bloom...

I love this photo. It reminds me that even if everything around me is falling apart...I can still bloom.

And I need to be reminded of this sometimes.

I really believe that in everything I have a choice...trials can weaken me or make me stronger. I choose.

It all depends on how I look at it. The past few years I have been working on finding beauty in the little things and enjoying the journey. I have been setting priorities, discovering who I am and what I want out of life. I've made some mistakes along the way but I have also learned a lot and am getting ever closer to who and where I want to be.

The hubby's first and last semester of architecture school will soon come to an end and a new chapter will begin...I begin packing for another big move...and I feel happy.

happiness...

The hubby and I have been formulating plans for our future...our Plan B future.

I've been reading old journals, looking at family photos and reading my old blog posts.

As I think about our future while looking at our past, one item stands out...

When the hubby and I were engaged, I would bring home tourism brochures from the travel agency I worked at. We would look through them and talk about all the places we could live. We were young and the whole world was available to us. The thought that we could live anywhere in the world was exciting. After looking for weeks at brochures for a reason that I do not know we settled on Prince Edward Island. It seemed perfect. We talked about it for weeks, months...but I had a mortgage and a good job and after we married, we stayed where we were.

Nine months into our marriage, I was given the opportunity to take a business trip to New Brunswick. The tourist board flew a number of us over and showed us why we should send our clients to New Brunswick. If I had been single without a mortgage, I would not have returned home. I loved it. Each place I went I fell more and more in love. I remember the last night of the trip standing outside the Algonquin hotel in St. Andrews by the Sea. It was very late at night and tears were running down my cheeks and for the first time in years, I felt like I was home. I missed my new hubby but I did not want to leave. I spent an hour on the phone with him trying to convince him to drop everything and meet me there. We could open a BandB or something, right? We could make it work. I loved the few days I spent in New Brunswick and talked of it often over the next decade.

When my hubby mentioned graduate school in Nova Scotia...I jumped at the chance!

FINALLY...I would get to live in the maritimes.

 We spent two years there and as I look back at our pictures at the smiling faces of my children playing on the beach I realize that (aside from the long commute that my hubby had) we were happiest there.

 We loved the ocean, the day trips, the museums, the galleries, the history, the architecture, the slow-paced lifestyle.

 The maritimes suit us.

The past few weeks we have spent hours discussing and more hours pondering and praying about what we should do. Looking at our photos...of the house we lived in (that is owned by my mother-in-law and rented out) and available to us...it did not take us too long to decide where we should be.

Plans are in the works for a more permanent summer move to Nova Scotia...we feel relief, peace and happiness...no more lobsterless summers for us!

Hard Times

I have been in a bit of a downcast mood lately. Although, I am really working hard at staying positive. In addition to a lot of technical difficulties lately (hence the lack of photos), it has been a very busy and stressful time.

 I have two weeks left in my current semester of classes and eight assignments left to write...I am having a very hard time coming up with a story for my next assignment (they all end up really depressing and not fun to write...). I always seem to end up with a large amount of work to do at the end of each semester, possibly due to my tendency to procrastinate. Or possibly due to the fact that I have a husband and four kids to take care of and I am usually moving or something else equally life changing at the same time. Probably a combination of the two. I don't like having so much to do in so little time. But, on the bright side my student loan has just been approved for my next batch of classes. Once I finish those I only have to apply for loans one more time before I finally finish my degree. The next batch of classes also finishes off my third year courses and begins my fourth. I can finally see the end of a very long (but rewarding) process.

My hubby has been working (ie. going to school) long hours, which was expected, but still very difficult. We all realize (kids included) how important it is for him to finish this degree and we are all learning patience, but, we really miss him.The bright side of this is we have been more diligent in using our time together well and not wasting it. Time apart also emphasizes to all of us how much we love each other and how important our family is.

The kids are back at school and seem to be enjoying it. But, we are all having moments of REALLY missing home school. The kids have each had their days of not wanting to go and wishing they were back at home and I miss them every day. But, I am loving spending one on one time with the youngest. Every morning as we are walking hand in hand back to our vehicle after dropping the kids off, he looks up at me with a big smile and says "mommy, just me and you!". Our days are designated "just me and you" days and have been really special. My youngest son has been the least affectionate of my kids, but during "just me and you" times I get lots of hugs and kisses and lots of "I love you so much mommy". If it wasn't for the obvious benefits to my youngest (and me) I think I would have pulled the other kids from school. So far they have come home with lots of tales of playing lego, playing on the computers ("we are allowed to go on any sites we want at school! I got to watch youtube for a really long time!"), colouring, playing outside on the playground ("even during school time!"), etc. I am happy that they are having fun, but....I do hope they actually start learning something soon. I tend to get a little frustrated with the school system. But, I am trying hard to give it a chance...although the message I left for a teacher to call me last week has yet to be returned...

And probably my number one stress is something that stresses out a lot of people...$$$.
We have been living below the poverty level for quite a few years now. But, we have been very fortunate while my husband has been in school to have had very low or no rent due to our generous parents who have provided homes for us to live in. For the first time since he has been in school we are renting from somebody other than a parent and living in Vancouver the most expensive city to live in in the country. We are definately feeling the difference and are on very strict food rations. I have tried very hard to feed my children well over the years to build good palates and it has been great. My kids love eating things like spanakopita and calamari, vegetable curries, pasta with swiss chard, ricotta and lemon. Lots of things that most kids don't like. Now, we are on a VERY tight food budget that doesn't allow such things. I am working with about 10% of my usual food budget. In some ways this is good and it gets my creative juices going (I still refuse to buy and live off boxed macaroni and cheese). I still cook from scratch but am running out of uses for large russet potatoes (20lbs for $3.99). I have also been forced to bake bread almost daily which is something I wanted to do anyway and have truthfully just been to lazy. The biggest problem living in the city with no money is all the shopping that surrounds us...there are too many things to want! We are learning how to be thankful for the things that we have, because really, when you look around the world we could have so much less.

Life IS stressful and right now it IS hard. But, I am learning a lot. I really believe that our times of trials can help us grow and become better (or if nothing else they help us to appreciate when times are going well).

One of my favourite quotes is by Anne Frank who said, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy". I like to think of this whenever I am feeling a little down; because really, I have so much to be thankful for.

berry season

I was so happy to receive a phone call from my local organic farmer to tell me they had three flats of Raspberries ready for me! I have been waiting so patiently for the rain to stop (the okanagan has had the rainiest, coolest summer that I remember. We haven't even topped 30 degrees yet! I think this is mother nature's way of preparing me for my move to Vancouver). The berries finally managed to dry off long enough to be picked and I jumped and ran out the door as soon as I received the call.

We have been snacking on berries all week and it has been wonderful. I really try to buy a lot of fresh berries when they are in season. I feel so bad for my kids who do not have the pleasure of picking berries in the backyard. When I was growing up my granny had a large garden and every summer I used to pick strawberries and raspberries by the ice cream pail full and I could always eat as many as I wanted. We also had a large row of blackberry brambles running across the front of our property and I would do the same in late August with those. Even though we don't have our own, I try to recreate the excitement of berry season by buying as many flats as we can eat. My kids look forward to berry season every year and we all dream of the time when we can just step out into the backyard for our yearly fix.

All the berries around our house has also kicked off canning season! This week I have made over thirty jars of jam: strawberry, strawberry rhubarb, raspberry, raspberry strawberry cherry, and apricot. The smells coming from the kitchen have been amazing! I have frozen bags of rhubarb, strawberries and raspberries - cherries are coming later this week. I always feel so content looking at what I have stored away for winter.

I also surprised my kids with another treat from my childhood...while the two oldest were out with their grandma for the afternoon, I whipped up a double batch of granny's pyrahi (learn about granny's pyrahi here). I used the last of the strawberries for one batch and the first of the raspberries for the second...so good! I love being able to pass on a family tradition.

They taste of summer and happy childhood days.

I love berry season.



poetry and moving forward

While I enjoy reading Keats, Shelley, Byron and Tennyson among others, I must admit that my favourite poet is not so celebrated or sophisticated. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved reading the poetry of Shel Silverstein and now that I am a mother I have really enjoyed sharing that love with my children. I love sitting with my kids reading poem after poem as they ask for more. Yesterday I was really happy while we were waiting in the car and my oldest son sat and read from "A Light in the Attic" to his brothers. Listening to the laughter from the back seat was one of my happier moments as a mother.

"Where the Sidewalk Ends" was always a favourite of mine and I checked it out from the library regularly as a kid. One of my favourite poems is in this book and as I reread it yesterday I thought that it really summed up how I have been feeling over the past few years. I fully believed it as a child but then for awhile I became a little too serious and lost that belief. Over the past few years I have been working on regaining some of the beliefs and attitudes I had as a child. Today I thought I would share this poem with you.

It is called "Listen to the Mustn'ts"

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Isn't that great...I really hope that my children can keep this belief as they grow up. ANYTHING can be - I really believe that it can and I've noticed that the more I embrace this belief the more I am shown that it is true. I think as I became an adult I assumed that if anything could be it meant that it would be easy. When things didn't come easy I thought they wouldn't come at all and so I settled for a life that didn't excite me or make me really happy. Now I know that work is involved and creating a life that I love takes action and that doing things differently can be difficult. But-it is SO worth it.

I always keep in mind what I read in a grad write up once (I can't remember who said it) "Live the life you will have wished you had lived when you are dying". When my husband was considering going back to school someone said to him..."the years are going to go by anyway. In ten years time you can be where you are now or you could be an architect...where would you rather be?"
Which has led us to our current belief of always moving forward. Picture what you want and move towards it...you'll get there eventually and it will be so much better than where you are now.

Finding my Passion...

Last month  I mentioned I was reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. One quote that she includes in her book is something I have been thinking about for a number of years and has been on my mind this week.

It is simply this:

"I can DO ANYTHING I want, but I can't DO EVERYTHING I want".

I agree completely.

As I have mentioned previously, my husband has always wanted to be an Architect; he has worked really hard over the past seven years and has completed his BFA and MFA and will be starting his MArch degree in August. He has been focused and driven and aside from family time, he hasn't had time to really do anything else. I think fulfilling dreams are like that...they require a lot of time and effort, but if it is something you love doing the work is very rewarding.

 I have been working on my BA for five years majoring in both History and English. But, I am undecided about what I want to do with it. Unlike my hubby, I have not had just one thing that I have always wanted to do. (Sometimes I really wish I did; decision-making would be SO much easier!) I couldn't even pick one major! I love many things and have bits and pieces of many hobbies that I wish I had more time for. I think it is finally sinking in that I do not have time to do all of them really well. I think all of us, at some point have to ask ourselves this: do I want to be mediocre at a lot of things or do I want to be really good at one or two? Personally, I don't like mediocre. I like doing a lot of things but when I don't have time to learn to do them well I get frustrated. I really want to narrow down my passions to just a couple and then take the time to do them well. I have known this for years, but I haven't been able to narrow them down.

Over the past year (or two) I have been really thinking about what I am the most passionate about. What is it that I want to do with my life. I don't want to wait until my kids leave home to decide what I want to be when I grow up...I know that whatever I choose to do, if I work hard I will be successful.

I like to write, I keep a daily journal and have dozens of notebooks full of things I jot down...but, nothing very polished ( I am working on this. The English portion of my degree began as a love of literature and I have taken a number of literature classes. But, during the second half of my degree I am trying to cram in all the creative writing classes I can. While I have always known that I LOVE to read, I didn't realize until a year or so ago how much I love to write, even though it is something I have always done).

I am also finding that I really love taking pictures (although I am not very good at it yet...a few days ago I went into the local camera shop and oggled the canon 7D for a while...but for now I do not have the $$$ and I think I need to finish paying for my degree first). I also really love to cook and if I were fifteen years younger and did not have four kids I would love to be a chef; however, I do not want to be a chef at my age and with a family...but, I really do want to learn to be a great cook...cooking school is something that is very appealing to me.

As of now my priorities are this...my family: spending time with my kids while they are still at home and still want to spend time with me...supporting my husband in fulfilling his dream and trying to find time for us to spend together...and finishing my degree (which I hope to complete by early 2013...yes it is taking me a very long time, mostly due to priority number one). I have been trying to master my little point and shoot camera...and I do have that beautiful 7D on my wish list...I practice my cooking as much as I can and cook something from scratch nearly every day (Last night it was pizza... I made the crust and the sauce as always, but I would really love to add making the cheese...maybe next pay day I will order some rennet...)and the past two mornings I have been working on a blackberries and cream scone recipe ( I found some really nice frozen berries). Not quite ready to share yet...maybe when the fresh berries come in...

I think over the past few months I have narrowed my "really want to do" list to three things:
1. writing
2. photography
3. food ( although I am also really interested in agriculture, the family farm and self sufficiency...which is kind of number 4).

I know, that is four things not one or two. But, that is as narrow as I can go for now...I keep thinking that maybe I can find a way to make them all work together...do you think so?

Saturday Morning

I enjoy being outside with my boys on Saturday mornings.

When we found out how easy it was to do the morning chores around my dad's barn, we offered to take the week-end shift. Saturday and Sunday mornings we head out to feed the cows.

There is just something about heading out first thing in the morning, before breakfast...

I love the fresh air and walking around the barn yard.

I love that my boys are learning that sometimes we need to put the needs of other creatures before our own.

They are learning that animals that were previously a little scary...are just creatures sharing this earth with us and while they deserve respect they too can show gratitude.

They are also learning that sometimes other creatures are just as scared and/or as curious of us as we are of them...

I have learned to love walking around and thinking about the history that is in this old barn.

I love looking at all the textures and colours. I make plans in my head of what I would do if it was mine...

That is one thing my hubby and I do for fun...what would we do if this was ours...we do that everywhere we go...and then we move on...by the time we get our own place we will have intellectually renovated so many places we will know exactly what we want.

For now, I want to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine and walking around this old farmstead...in four months we will be in the city and I know I am going to miss this.

Monday Bliss

Today my middle son is six...(April is a big month for birthdays in our family).

I was a little stressed trying to think about what we could do today...we did a birthday party a week and a half ago and a big family dinner on Saturday...I was pretty happy when he crawled into bed with me this morning and asked if he could PLEASE have a pajama day today...wear his pjs all day and just play, watch TV, read stories...relax! I...the trying so hard to be the perfect mother...said "of course" and then said a little thank-you! under my breath.

This week-end has been SO busy. My sister and her family left on Friday, a few hours later my husband's family arrived...Saturday, my oldest son had his first fencing lesson...

immediately followed by his baptism and then following that a family dinner for 17 that I hosted for my number two son's birthday...Sunday we had church and then said good-bye to my hubby's family... and the cat who six months ago was abondoned in my dad's workshop and I felt too sorry for it to let my mom put it in the barn with the scary barn cats...

He is going to live at Grandma's house. I had a few unhappy kids to comfort Sunday night. But, the cat had to go. For those of you just joining us...we live in a 600 square foot cottage...all six of us...adding a cat to the mix borders on crazy...although an argument could be made that 6 people in 600 square feet while homeschooling is full immersion crazy already...I do understand that argument. Mostly it is good...the cat pushed it a little over the top.

But, like Julia Donaldson's "A Squash and a Squeeze" taking out the cat has made our little cottage roomier already. The kids all seem to have recovered this morning and so...

Today is bliss. A day to relax...just me and my kids...no A.M. fighting over whose turn it is to hold the cat...just us...nowhere to go...everyone is getting along...and I have time to sit and cuddle my little boy who is now six and getting bigger everyday.

I love these moments.

The Joys of Motherhood

I love being a mother but there is one aspect of it that I often feel that I really could do without...the guilt.

I don't know if it is just me or if is something that just comes with the job description, but I have found that since I became a mother I have enjoyed a daily helping of guilt.

I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids, not doing enough with them, not spending an equal amount of time with each child (am I the only one who has ever heard...you like him/her better?), and then there is the guilt that comes when I feel I am spending too much time with them and not enough with my hubby, family, laundry...insert anything that needs to get done and isn't getting done. And then of course comes the guilt that I am not doing enough to improve myself and the years are going by...

I feel guilty about so many things that are beyond my control. Things like my daughter has no sister and is often alone and/or bored...

I really did try to give her a sister...did I mention that I have three boys...that are the best of friends...which doesn't really help her situation. So...guilt if I don't spend extra time with her and guilt if I do...guilt and worry... oh the joys of motherhood!

We are hitting the pre-teen years around our house...I am a little nervous...about added guilt and worry...and grumpiness...

But...the great thing about being a mother is that it forces me to be patient and creative; to try new things and continually grow and learn.

Growing up I was the loner in my family...and I was often alone and bored...and grumpy. I understand how my daughter feels and I can tell her in all honesty that things do change...as a mother of four I am NEVER alone and NEVER bored and never grumpy (for very long) as one of my four is always doing something to make me smile or laugh.

I am so grateful that in spite of the above mentioned aloneness/boredom/grumpiness...my kids do love each other (deep down somewhere) and they do have moments of togetherness/happiness/fun which really makes it all worth it.

It has been said that there needs to be opposition in all things. I have come to believe that in spite of and posssibly because of all the guilt and worry and work...

there is no joy like the joy experienced by a mother.

gratitude

I think it is easy to get caught up in all the things I want to do that are not getting done or that are taking more time than I had hoped.

It is easy to feel that I don't have all the things that I want or that I am not yet the person I want to be.

For me, it has always been far easier to look at the negative, the blank spaces in my life.

I have really been trying to change that.

I imagine that very few people think that their life is perfect. We all have things we want to change and shortcomings that we would like to fix.

Paraphrasing murphy: No matter how bad things are they could always be worse. Instead of looking at all the things that need improvement I like to look at all the good things I have. When I do this I end up feeling very blessed indeed. (I think I may be reading a little too much Austen...)

And so today...some gratitude.

I am so grateful for an amazing hubby who I love and who loves me. I am always amazed how each year our love continues to grow. I have been blessed with a happy marriage.

I am very grateful for four healthy children who bring so much joy into my life (although that joy does come with just a little bit of insanity - but it's all good!)

I have been blessed with a supportive and loving extended family who help me and my family in so many ways.

I have my health.

Those things alone make life good.

But I also have been blessed with a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, my husband has a job, I have more books than I may be able to read in my lifetime, my kids are learning and growing everyday, my student loan was finally approved (YAY!) and I can start a new semester of school in June, I live in a beautiful country where I can experience a high quality of life (even while living below the poverty level), I am able to supply my children with all the necessities of life, and even though I do not have everything I want, I have everything I need.

And really, who can ask for more than that?

a Valentine's Love story

Happy Valentine's Day!

Since today is dedicated to love, I thought I would share the story of how I found mine...

I met my husband when my family and I moved to a new town. We were both fifteen.

We attended the same high school and the same church but we never really became friends and I don't really remember much about him until a few years after graduation. (Although for some reason he remembers a little blue skirt I used to like to wear in the tenth grade).

When we were 21 we met up again and since we had some common friends we ended up often being in the same place. We quickly became good friends. Over the next three years as other friends came and went (many going away to school, moving for work or getting married) my husband remained a constant and best friend. Everyday after work he would come over or we would go to a movie or get something to eat or go meet up with other friends...

It was great! I had a few experiences previously that had made me decide to "swear off men for good".
The entire time we were friends, I did not date...at all...and it was great. Anywhere I went that required a date...I took my best friend. I always had a man around for a male point of view, someone to hang out with, talk to...why did I need a boyfriend? If I wanted to be alone...no problem just send him home with no questions. I thought I had found the best of both worlds AND because we had known each other for so long I KNEW that there would never be any of the problems of ONE of us "having feelings" for the other (I hate when that happens) because if either of us had been interested in the other it would have come up before. He was not my type at all and I knew that I wasn't his type.

It really was almost perfect...

Maybe it was because I never dated anyone else, maybe it was because we were always together or maybe it was because we were always having so much fun together... but for some reason people always assumed we were a couple.

After awhile it came up A LOT. Our other friends stopped believing that we were only friends (which I swear we were). The idea of us being a couple seemed to occur to everybody...except us.

We really liked where we were. He was the best friend I had ever had. We had so many laughs together and we could talk for hours. My hubby still dated occasionally and he loved that I could give him female insight into what was going on...I could usually translate female speak into a language he could more readily understand. I enjoyed having companionship without any drama or stress or having to wonder if this relationship was good for me and I never had to wonder why he wasn't calling because he ALWAYS did. Like I said it was very nearly perfect.

But, eventually the questions became an almost daily occurance..."are you two together?", "why aren't you together?", "but you laugh at all his jokes?", "how long have you two been dating?". "He's not my type" came out of my mouth almost every day...

And then, one Christmas he went to his sister's. I missed him when he was gone even though he called me almost every day. He came home early on boxing day to attend a dance. I saw him briefly but a mutual friend of ours cornered him and the two of them sat in the corner talking intently for a long time. I found myself wondering what they were talking about...I wasn't jealous, just curious...but I guess I had looked over at them a few too many times as another mutual friend came over to tell me not to be jealous ( I honestly wasn't). The two of us were caught up in seperate conversations (that unbeknownst to us were just a little bit planned out). My conversation went something like this:

Friend: "You are holding up really well. You have been in love with him for so long...he is SO stupid not to notice".
Me: "WHAT? I am so NOT in love with him. He is not my type. We are just really good friends."
Friend: "Yah, whatever. As I said, he is so stupid to not notice, you laugh at all his jokes. It is really obvious to everybody else".
Me: "like I said, He is not my type, I am not his type. We are just really good friends".
Friend: "yes, right. He better hurry up and do something. A girl like you isn't going to sit around waiting forever you know. You'll be snatched up by somebody else soon and then he will be sorry".
Me: " uhm..." (Me thinking: "are you trying to hit on me?") "I'll talk to you later" and I get up and walk away...

A little while later the girl that my (future) hubby had so intently been talking to approached me and immediately grilled me with.
Friend: "okay...what is your story...WHY are you two not together?"
Me: "he's not my type; we are just good friends" (do you notice I did not have a very original or specific answer...I was beginning to notice this myself)
Friend: "What is it about him exactly that makes him not your type, he's nice, funny, cute..."
Me: "uhm...."
silence. I could not think of anything specifically.
Me: thinking, thinking, thinking....racking my brain for something other than he doesn't have a great job because I really didn't care about that or he wasn't very cool in high school because I really didn't care about that either...still thinking...
Me: "well we are best friends and I wouldn't want to ruin that" was the best I could come up with.
Friend: "Well coming where I am coming from his being your best friend is a positive not a negative. You should really think about it seriously." and she walks away.

My (future) hubby came over after the dance and filled me in on his earlier conversation which went something like this:

Friend: "why are you two not together"
Hubby: "she's not my type"
Friend: "what about her is not your type? She is smart, fun, pretty and she laughs at all your jokes"
Hubby: "uhm...." (not sure what he was thinking at this point).
Friend: "What?"
Hubby: "What if we got together and things didn't work out? We are such good friends I wouldn't want to ruin that".
Friend: "Being friends sounds like a good reason to get together"
Hubby: "huh".
Friend: "If you are worried about the chemistry, just kiss her and find out. If you are such good friends you should be able to get over a kiss, right?"
Hubby: ":)" (I think he secretly enjoyed this idea).

Back at my place...as he is relating this story...

me: "WHAT? there is no way that I am ever going to kiss you so forget it".
Hubby: "oh...yah... that's what I was thinking...no way I would ever kiss you..........."
SILENCE.......

And then nothing happened. Back to normal. Except for the nagging voice in the back of my head that was constantly saying..."what is it about him that you don't like" and the constant irritation that I could not think of anything. ANYTHING. I didn't want to like him. I REALLY didn't.

I was working. I (at this point) liked my job. I had plans. Getting married did not fit in to them. And deep down I knew that if we ever got together we would get married...

Things were a little awkward but not too bad. We still hung out everyday. He still went on dates with other girls. Everyday I had that nagging voice in my head. It would not go away. "Why not him?" "What don't you like about him? He is nice to you, he is your best friend, you would rather spend time with and talk to him more than anybody else, he makes you laugh...what is there not to like?" Everyday I would try very hard to suppress those thoughts.

One night we were with a group of friends in a hot tub. Friends left one by one. Soon it was just the two of us. talking. Out of the blue my (future) hubby asked me if I loved him. "yes" came out of my mouth. Followed by..."of course I do, you are my best friend". We talked about the nagging voices in both of our heads. We talked about what we were going to do about it. We decided...nothing. Our relationship was (almost) perfect...we would leave everything as it was. Getting out of the hot tub...he kissed me.

We were engaged within two months. Officially we never went on a single date but we had known each other for nine years. We were married eight and a half months after our first kiss which was just over fourteen years ago. Every single one of those days he has been my best friend. He is still the one I would rather spend time with or talk to more than anyone else. He can make me smile when no one else can, he can calm me when I am stressed and through all of the struggles, challenges and hardships I have faced over those fourteen years I have been so thankful that he has been with me.

I never was a huge romantic; but, I know that he was meant for me. Growing up I never wanted to get married but now I know that is the best thing I ever did.

A Family Farm

I love farms.

Small farms.

family farms.

self-sufficient farms.

We have visited many.

I grew up on a few.

I want one.

I want to be self-reliant.

I want to buy some land and start my own family farm.

I am thinking of ways to make it happen...

before my children all leave home.

I am impatient.



the joys of homeschool

I started homeschooling my kids this year (for many, many reasons) Technically, we are schooling at home. In BC they have a program called distributed learning which gives parents the option of having their kids do school at home. They still follow the curriculum (mostly - I can pick and choose how they follow it) and they have a teacher they see once a week. They will still graduate with a diploma but they get to learn at home and I oversee the majority of their education.

I am really, really enjoying it.

One of my favourite things about homeschooling is our mornings. I love that we don't have to rush...I love that I don't have to pack lunches...and I love that I am able to finally take some time for myself.

We still wake up early but every morning the kids have some play time and I take an extra hour in my room to write in my journal and read a chapter (or two) of a book.

(to see what I was reading in January click here).

EVERY day...I promise you it sure beats waking up at the crack of dawn, jumping out of bed and rushing.

Every moment of my life felt like I was rushing somewhere...and nagging the kids to hurry up; because we were almost always late for something.

Now...ah...it is relaxed.

The kids have time to relax and play in the morning; we eat breakfast together as a family (minus of course my amazing hubby...if we could only figure out some way for him to stay home...)

and then, when we are all relaxed and feeling good about our day we begin school.

SO much better than the daily rush.

I love spending time with each child individually and watching them learn.

I love that they can move quickly on subjects that are easy for them and that they can take more time on those that they need extra help with. I love that they can get one on one help when they need it.

and I really love that in the middle of the day we can take some time to make cookies, or muffins, or bread or whatever we feel like making and that whoever wants to help out can help.

I love that my kids can play board games in the middle of the day if they choose to and that those board games give my 11 year old daughter something she will happily do with her brothers.

I love watching my kids as they grasp concepts and learn new things.

I feel like I have found the best of both worlds. I have my kids at home with me, I avoid all the things I don't like about the public school system and I still get access to what I feel are the benefits.

I love that I can make choices and live my life the way I want to live it.

stepping forward

This month I am trying something new.

My three oldest kids are taking skiing lessons and I have decided to join them.

Until now I have never learned to ski and I have lived near ski hills most of my life.

I have been trying to overcome a bad habit of mine.

As long as I can remember if I haven't been able to do something well I have not wanted to do it. Hence, I have never participated in sports (other than in school when I had to or else take an F in P.E. which was unacceptable to me). Until recently I never did anything artistic. In fact I didn't do much of anything.

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know how to ride a bike.

I don't know how to play a musical instrument.

I don't know how to ski.

I don't know how to sing.

I don't know how to skate.

When I was in grade one my class went ice skating. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on the ice and do a sit spin and of course I couldn't wait to wear one of those really cute little skating costumes with the little twirly skirt...which of course I did not get to wear and when I stepped onto the ice for the first time... I immediately fell. I was mortified. Particularly when my teacher brought me a little cage to hold onto so I could at least stand. That was the moment I realized how inadequate I was. That was when I realized that I could not do everything I thought I could. I never skated again.

Yes, this has been one of my greatest weaknesses. And I do realize how ridiculous it sounds. But, I have always had a strong desire to be perfect...to live a perfect life. For a long time I tried to avoid living the life I wanted because I knew that the reality would not live up to my expectations. Instead I ended up living a life that was pretty boring. I did do some things, but I was generally not satisfied with the outcomes and I was still too afraid to try anything that required skill. I learned how to cook out of necessity when I got married and I discovered that I was pretty good at it. So, I continued to practice and got annoyed with myself whenever things didn't turn out perfectly.

Around the time I turned thirty I decided that I needed to change. There were so many things that I would have liked to have done in my youth that I didn't do. I did not want to waste my life. So I started to do things. I took a few painting classes and discovered that I really enjoyed painting and was so happy when my paintings were recognizable. They actually looked like something...people actually hung them on their walls!!! I was a little embarrassed still as I could notice all the mistakes, but they were better than I thought they would be.

I went back to school. I no longer felt like a failure to still be in school when I was over thirty. ( I always thought I'd have a PhD by then). I am taking longer than the average student. But I love it.

I few years ago I finally realized that I didn't need perfection. I could be happy with progress. Improvement was something to be proud of. I didn't need to be top of the class (or somewhere just slightly above average which previously was okay with me as long as I hadn't put in any effort. Above average with no effort was just as okay as perfection with little effort).

I no longer wanted to be content with who I was. I wanted to be happy about the person I was becoming.

And so this week as I conquered the kiddie run up at the ski hill I was almost giddy with happiness...

Happy because I was finally learning to ski and that I had learned to snow plow and because on my first attempt I fell but I got up and tried again and by the end of the day I had figured out how to stay standing, moving and even turning and I was excited about my progress!

Externally as well as internally.

I am so happy that I have figured out that the way to true happiness and finding joy is to keep moving forward...

even if I am only taking baby steps.

snow days

The snow is coming down heavily today...

The hubby has gone to work...

I am thinking about Nova Scotia and the winters we had there...

In winter most of the cute shops close down as everyone settles in for the winter. Any snow fall often results in school closures and/or road closures...on a heavy snowfall even the big box stores would close...but not here...out west we are a little tougher (or crazier)...we've taken long journeys through the rockies in weather much worse than any I saw in two years in Nova Scotia where my husband was once stuck in a road block for nearly fourteen hours with many others after the main highway was closed due to a few inches of snow.

Annoying at times...but also very peaceful. It was so nice to have an excuse to stay home and cuddle up with a good book and the family and read the day away...

so today...I am going to pretend I am in Nova Scotia and take a snow day...I'll just pretend my hubby is safe in his studio until he gets home from work...maybe it will snow all week-end! And just this once we can all pretend that we are back in Nova Scotia...we'll just ignore the strange looks we get when we tell people we took a "snow week-end"...do you think they will understand?

vintage kitchens

I love vintage kitchenware...I really love it. The older the better.

I especially love the pieces that were given to me by family members. My mother has passed on a few pieces that she has received from other relatives and my granny gave me some of hers before she passed away. They always help me think of those who used the pieces before I did.

One piece that I have always loved and love to use is an old colander; it reminds me of my granny. I remember it always being in her kitchen and I watched her using it many times.

It is definately well worn...but I love it.

I know that granny had it for as long as I can remember but I never knew where or when she got it.

Recently I was looking through some old photos of our first trip across Canada a few years ago.

While travelling from Regina, Saskatchewan to Winnipeg, Manitoba we decided to leave the trans-Canada Hwy. and take a detour. We travelled north to drive through a little town named Veregin...

Veregin is a very small town (if you can call it even that). I think it has a population of approximately 100 people. But, it is important to me because in 1911 my granny was born there. I have always wanted to see where she was born and so we decided this was our chance.

The town was almost deserted...there was really nothing to see until we drove up to the Doukhobor village museum site.

The prayer house and landscaping were beautiful...there was so much history to see and so much to learn...unfortunately, it was closed. Due to lack of funding, volunteers and interest the site is rarely open. I was a little disappointed (I always hate to see history being ignored because that usually leads to it being lost which I think is really sad) but the groundskeeper told us we were welcome to look in the windows and picnic on the lawn, which we did and enjoyed our afternoon very much.

The old grain elevator stood majestically watching over the site.

As I sat, I thought about my great-grandparents and what there lives must have been like. They left Russia in 1899 with their families and friends after suffering much hardship and persecution under Tsarist rule. With the help of Leo Tolstoy and Queen Victoria they came to Canda, settled in the Saskatchewan prairies and made new lives. Veregin is where those new lives began. I was sitting in the village where they lived, started their family and where my granny was born. It was a wonderful experience that I am so happy to have had.

I took many pictures as I wandered around the village and tried to take interior shots as I looked through the windows.

 I never really looked at the photos after I took them. But, just recently I sat down with my kids to teach them a little more about our family history and I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before...

There on the counter was my colander...exactly the same.

I think I now love it even more.