Blog Therapy

I am slowly unpacking all of our boxes and finding places for everything. Some things have been put into storage until we move...again. While I am grateful that we have a place to live I am not overly excited about being in another temporary position. Something about knowing that I will have to move again in the not too distant future makes me feel a little unmotivated about unpacking. 

Growing up - especially through my teen years - I often felt depressed. I have never been diagnosed with depression or anything I was just a bit of a glass is half empty girl. I had a tendency to focus on the negative. I wasn't completely crazy - there was negative. But, isn't there always? Over the past decade or so I have really tried to focus on the positive. I have made an effort to choose to see the good;  because even though there is a lot of negativity around - and it is not too difficult to find it all you need to do is turn on the evening news - there is also a lot of good.  Luckily, for the most part this has worked. The more I looked for the good things in life - the easier it was to find them. I have really tried to do what I feel is right and I have been led on an amazing journey where I have learned so much. I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that I have experienced. This past year has been a particularly good one for me. I haven't felt so happy in...maybe ever. I was almost giddy at times. Even though my family had challenges I felt like I could do anything. I laughed more than I have laughed in decades...or again maybe more than I ever have. I was busy and didn't accomplish all that I wanted to, but I learned so much, met so many great people and felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Earlier this year...I knew that where I needed to be was somewhere else. More accurately I knew that my family needed to be somewhere else and I needed to be with my family. As I prepared to move I felt content. I knew I was doing what I needed to do and that is always a great feeling for me to have. I love having the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. 

For some reason, as my family and I moved across country - for the fourth time in six years - and have come closer to family, friends and great Okanagan produce (I would like to say that last one is a joke but it is not - I was so excited to have fresh local peaches this year) I have not been able to shake off a feeling of disappointment, exhaustion, and sadness. 

I feel a little shallow because I know part of it is because we moved from a beautiful, large, Victorian home to a not quite so beautiful, small, basement suite. I know that shouldn't matter but for some reason it does. I find that all the little things that are going wrong have become extra irritating. Things like - the oven door doesn't close fully and the oven doesn't cook evenly, food becomes burnt in some areas while still raw in others -  I should just be grateful the stovetop works, right? But, I am more irritated than grateful. 

Normally, I really don't care what people think of me...but for some reason this time...I do. I feel embarrassed. I think maybe it is because I don't have a plan. I always have a plan. I always have a project I am working on. But, right now, I have nothing. My plan was to work on my photography and practice my cooking, which I suppose could explain my irritation at the basement suite (with very little natural light) and the oven that doesn't really work.  Maybe my concern isn't so much what others think of me it is what I am thinking of me...right now, it isn't good. 

I feel a little stagnated, when I like to always feel like I am moving forward. I have had three different plans for starting school this fall - two have been last minute and one of those I very nearly forced through. I know that is not right for me this year. But I feel a little panicked. Maybe it is because for the first time in nine years I won't be in school and for the first time since I've had kids I will be home while all of my kids will be in school. I am in a tiny basement suite and I can only do so much cleaning...

I just had a thought...maybe it is time to make jam.* 

I feel better already. 

Thanks for the therapy session...how much do I owe you?

*a pathetic little reference to TV... back when I used to watch TV... anyone remember the Friends episode where Monica has the jam plan? Except I don't live anywhere near a dock...or have a friend like Joey...so I may have to think of something else...

Planning and still moving forward

Plans are progressing...

While it is grey and slushy and muddy now, I know that soon...very soon...I will wake up to beautiful green. I am always amazed at how leaves seem to burst out overnight. One day everything has that end of winter greyness and the next the world is green and full of new life. 

Late last fall after spending almost a year of "should we stay or should we go" I decided to apply for my B.Ed. in Nova Scotia.

I thought this would be the perfect plan. 

It would give us a concrete date to move by, it would (hopefully) give us a steady income and I still would have summers and holidays with my family. Perfect.

I filled out applications, wrote essays and asked a few kind-hearted souls to send in references for me (many thanks to you). I sent in money and transcripts and waited...very patiently-unusual for me. I immersed myself in holiday preparations and classes to finish my current degree. 

As the date of acceptance loomed closer I became worried...I didn't want to find out.

Every time I walked into a school I secretly hoped that I wouldn't be accepted. 

I received a phone call a few weeks earlier than expected - Congratulations!

I pretended to be happy. 

I knew that this would be good for my family. 

This was something I could do. 

The steady paycheck would be welcomed. 

The thought of spending everyday back in high school...

The thought of not being home on proD days and sick days and not greeting my kids as they arrived home from school with a fresh batch of cookies...

My blog was neglected. I couldn't think of anything to say.

I wasn't being true to who I am. I felt like a fraud.

There are SO many things I want to do with my life.

Teaching high school isn't one of them.

So - after much thought and discussion - I have declined the offer.  

A move thought crazy by some. WHY would you decline a perfectly good offer to prepare for a respectable career? WHY? What are you doing instead? How are you going to live? 

Well...I'm working on it and

 I'm moving to Nova Scotia this summer anyway.

I know many will say (and some probably already have) - who do you think you are? How irresponsible. 

I understand. I really do. I lived a lot of my life like that. Responsibility comes first. Jobs come first. It didn't matter how sick or unhappy I was... I had to do the responsible thing. I lived my life by shoulds and have tos. Often not even thinking about what I was good at or what my talents were or what I wanted to do. None of that mattered as long as I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. 

The older I get the more I realize that life isn't all about responsibilities. 

Life should be joyful. 

I believe that being true to who you are is the only way to find real joy.  

I am happy and feeling more like myself than I have in months. 

I know I have made the right choice.

I am so looking forward to our first visit to our favourite beach...we've missed it.

New Classes

Today I registered for my first e-class.

I have been looking at it for awhile.

Hosted by one of my favourite bloggers (and bag makers)...

Jeanne Oliver.

I am so excited to take the class and hopeful that I will get something out of it.

I hesitated in registering for weeks.

The course is on creating a "Creatively Made Home"...

Those who know me know that I move... a lot.

I have been married fifteen years and have moved ten times... four times in the past four years. I find it so hard to make the houses I live in my home. I am always so busy with school and packing or unpacking (not to mention four kids) that I seem to find very little time to decorate or do much to create a homey feel. I hope Jeanne and crew can give me lots of ideas and help me out.

And on a side note...

Today I received a VERY large box full of textbooks.

My next four classes start November 1st. Four courses... and a couple of them are the classes that I didn't really want to take, but needed to in order to fulfill graduation requirements. I am a little nervous about the amount of reading I have to do. There are a lot of books and not one, but two of the classes came with reading files in the neighbourhood of one thousand pages...each. Glancing over it I think I have more than ten thousand pages to read by the end of February... and thirteen essays...and four exams...my head hurts just thinking about it... as Scarlett so wisely said "I'll think of it tomorrow".

Tonight, I will think about the e-course instead and go to sleep with a smile.

Class starts next week!

Home

Right now, this is what I miss the most...

Rustico Beach, Prince Edward Island

Northport Beach, Nova Scotia

Blomidon, Nova Scotia

Somewhere along the Cabot Trail, Cape Breton, Nova Scotia (The word Green comes to mind...but I really can't remember the name of this exact spot.)

Joggins, Nova Scotia

When my hubby decided to leave architecture school, we decided to go back to Nova Scotia. The reason we returned to BC was so he could do his Masters of Architecture at UBC.

Our experience in Vancouver taught us how much we missed Nova Scotia. When we left Vancouver, we returned to the Okanagan because the hubby had a show booked at a local art gallery that he needed to do some paintings for and because we had to move only a few weeks after making the decision to leave Vancouver. Moving across Canada with little notice at Christmas was not appealing.

We decided that we would move in August after the show opened.

His show opened last week.

I am still in BC.

Things haven't worked out exactly as we planned. We need to save a few more pennies before we can pack up and go. The hubby also needs a day job in Nova Scotia. ( I am still in school so I am leaving the day job to him).

Because things haven't worked out exactly as we planned...I think we are here for another year.

Staying has some good points. I do love BC...

but this week I am feeling VERY homesick. I feel like I have been on an extended vacation that is dragging on a lot longer than I want it to. Do you know that feeling?

Home...funny how Nova Scotia feels like home to me. I only lived there for just over two years in my nearing forty years of life.


If you have the time I'll tell you a little story...

I grew up in a smallish town not far from Vancouver. I loved it. It was home to me. I had family, friends and lived in a great house on five acres outside the city; my granny lived in town - walking distance to everywhere I needed to go.

Unexpectedly (to me anyway) my parents decided to move to the Okanagan - to a very small town. VERY small town. Nothing was really within walking distance, unless you count the fish and game club. I was fifteen when we moved. I hated it. I couldn't wait to leave. As soon as I was eighteen, I did. I moved around a lot.

When the hubby and I became engaged (over fifteen years ago) we realized that we could go anywhere and do anything. I was working as a travel agent and brought home dozens of brochures from tourist boards all over the world. We read through them all looking for a perfect place to live. We researched for weeks, searching the internet for additional information on our favourite places.

For a reason that I no longer remember, we chose Prince Edward Island...probably because it had pretty much everything on our must have list and we could stay in Canada avoiding mountains of paperwork.

In hindsight, I think I was looking for a home. In all the moving I had done in the previous decade, I hadn't really felt at home anywhere. Something was missing. I didn't know what, but I wanted to find it.

After we married...we stayed where we were. We had a mortgage to pay and moving to a place we had never been seemed a little too risky. My husband became my home. I was so happy to be married to him that it didn't matter too much where we lived.

Less than a year after we married I was offered a trip to New Brunswick - three nights, all expenses paid, packed itinerary - by the New Brunswick Tourist Board. I was very excited to go and had an amazing time. I loved everything about that trip and I am sure that I bored everybody by announcing "I want to live here" every stop we made. I called my husband every night trying to figure out a way that he could just meet me there so I didn't have to leave.

I can still vividly picture my last night there. I went for a walk late at night around the grounds of the Algonquin Hotel in St. Andrews-by-the-Sea. It was a beautiful night. I could hear piano music softly escaping through the open windows of the hotel. I could smell the ocean. I stood outside for a long time with a cool breeze blowing over me. Even though the breeze was cool, I remember feeling very warm and thinking "this feels like home - I don't want to leave". I remember crying and smiling at the same time. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I felt safe, comforted and happy... and then my mind would remind me I was leaving in a few short hours and the crying would start up again.

Ten years later, my family and I moved to Nova Scotia so my hubby could do his Masters of Fine Arts degree. The second I arrived I felt that feeling of home again. I had felt at home often with my hubby and kids. They were home to me, but I hadn't experienced that feeling about a place until I returned to the Maritimes. I missed it. When I look back my two years in Nova Scotia were probably the best two years I have ever had. Even though we struggled a lot (with long commutes - that's another long story - and financial problems) we had so much fun and grew so close as a family.

I know that Nova Scotia is not perfect and that there are many people who will look at me like I am crazy for wanting to live there instead of BC. I love so many things about BC and there are things that I don't like about Nova Scotia.

But, for a reason unknown to me,  the Maritimes are my home. I love Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island and have spent many hours exploring all three. Right now, I could list dozens of activities I want to do and places I still want to see or go back to that would keep me busy for decades. The list I have for BC is comparitively short. I was born and raised in BC and could live here happily all my life if I didn't constantly feel like I needed to go home.

Hopefully, someday soon, I will.

First Novels

I am taking an advanced writing course this semester.

Yesterday, I finally sent in the first chapter of my first novel. I have written some short stories, memoir pieces and other small works but this is my first attempt at something big...

I am a little nervous waiting to hear back from my professor.

What I have enjoyed most is sharing my writing experiences with my daughter. When I started writing I was having some difficulties with the creative part. I find that writing creative non-fiction comes pretty easily to me, but fiction is much more difficult. To help me with my creativity I asked my daughter to help me by playing a character sketch game. In our game, we take the first person we see and tell who they are. Name, birthdate, where they live, hobbies, job, family, where they are going...whatever comes to mind. I find it much easier to be creative when I have something concrete to start with. We have come up with some pretty fun stories and we have had a few good laughs on the drive to school.

A few weeks ago I went to a used book sale and picked up an old book for my daughter...

Inside the front cover is an inscription that reads...Love to Gail, From Mum and Dad. For fun the other night I asked my daughter "Who is Gail?". In the past two days, she has written three chapters of "Gail's story". She has three pages of short character sketches for all of Gail's friends and family. She has been researching on the internet to discover what life was like in the 40s and 50s. She knows almost everything about Gail and is writing her story in the first person. Her story is really good. She is only twelve. She has inspired me to write more.

Our conversations have really helped me get to know my characters and I have learned that knowing your characters makes writing fiction just as easy as non-fiction. I'm not sure if my novel will be any good when it is finished, or what grade I will get or if I will ever get published; but, the time I have been spending with my daughter is something that I am so grateful for and will never forget.

Where will U go next?

As we were loading up our Uhaul preparing to leave Vancouver in December, I walked around the side of the truck, smiled and had to take a picture...

I wasn't sure how long we would be in the Okanagan or exactly where we would be in a year. We have moved so many times in the past 14 years (9 times to be exact ~ 3 provinces, 2 cross country moves, and 2 cross province moves and that also included a 5 year stay in one house).  Everytime I look at this photo I am not sure if the attitude of the quote is a curious...here comes an exciting adventure kind of question or if it is just mocking me.

This week I have been wanting to unpack all the boxes of items that are not really necessary to our day to day lives; all the well loved "luxury items" that have not been used in awhile - primarily a lot of dishes, books and craft/art supplies. I have been looking around the rental house desperately wanting to paint/change light fixtures/rip out carpet, etc. but I can't. My internal "must be time to move" alarm has begun to ring. This is usually where I start packing up essentials, and dreaming of a place that I can make my own, that looks and feels the way I want it to. Where I can be surrounded by all the stuff I love, where I can get organized and finally settle down a little. Maybe even get a pet for the kids.

Our intended move to Nova Scotia this summer is not working out the way we planned. We are all getting a little restless...

Instead of packing up and looking for our next new place to live...

I registered my youngest son in Kindergarten at the neighbourhood school for September and my hubby has been talking to the landlord about painting the house...

I'm feeling a little out of my comfort zone, but interested to see how this adventure turns out.

happiness...

The hubby and I have been formulating plans for our future...our Plan B future.

I've been reading old journals, looking at family photos and reading my old blog posts.

As I think about our future while looking at our past, one item stands out...

When the hubby and I were engaged, I would bring home tourism brochures from the travel agency I worked at. We would look through them and talk about all the places we could live. We were young and the whole world was available to us. The thought that we could live anywhere in the world was exciting. After looking for weeks at brochures for a reason that I do not know we settled on Prince Edward Island. It seemed perfect. We talked about it for weeks, months...but I had a mortgage and a good job and after we married, we stayed where we were.

Nine months into our marriage, I was given the opportunity to take a business trip to New Brunswick. The tourist board flew a number of us over and showed us why we should send our clients to New Brunswick. If I had been single without a mortgage, I would not have returned home. I loved it. Each place I went I fell more and more in love. I remember the last night of the trip standing outside the Algonquin hotel in St. Andrews by the Sea. It was very late at night and tears were running down my cheeks and for the first time in years, I felt like I was home. I missed my new hubby but I did not want to leave. I spent an hour on the phone with him trying to convince him to drop everything and meet me there. We could open a BandB or something, right? We could make it work. I loved the few days I spent in New Brunswick and talked of it often over the next decade.

When my hubby mentioned graduate school in Nova Scotia...I jumped at the chance!

FINALLY...I would get to live in the maritimes.

 We spent two years there and as I look back at our pictures at the smiling faces of my children playing on the beach I realize that (aside from the long commute that my hubby had) we were happiest there.

 We loved the ocean, the day trips, the museums, the galleries, the history, the architecture, the slow-paced lifestyle.

 The maritimes suit us.

The past few weeks we have spent hours discussing and more hours pondering and praying about what we should do. Looking at our photos...of the house we lived in (that is owned by my mother-in-law and rented out) and available to us...it did not take us too long to decide where we should be.

Plans are in the works for a more permanent summer move to Nova Scotia...we feel relief, peace and happiness...no more lobsterless summers for us!

Autumn in Vancouver

For some reason I am having a really hard time adjusting to our new life in Vancouver.

I don't like the traffic both in vehicles and pedestrians or the extremely busy schedule we have had since our arrival.

I have been trying to find some peace, quiet and tranquility.

It has been very difficult. 

The one thing I have been enjoying is the beautiful fall colours and mild weather...

 

I have been struggling with the question...what do you do when you spend years working towards something and when you arrive it is not quite what you were expecting. I may be experiencing a little of the "be careful what you wish for" blessing/curse. 

For now, I am practicing patience, perseverance and tolerance.

I am trying to appreciate the beauty that is around me and I have been focusing on my studies. As I am reminded daily by signs all around campus, I am living in a "Place of Mind"...

I have experienced many changes to my lifestyle since I have been here both good and bad all of which take some getting used to...

I'm not sure what the next few years will bring, but I find myself repeatedly thinking about the saying: that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

I am hoping for the latter.

Hard Times

I have been in a bit of a downcast mood lately. Although, I am really working hard at staying positive. In addition to a lot of technical difficulties lately (hence the lack of photos), it has been a very busy and stressful time.

 I have two weeks left in my current semester of classes and eight assignments left to write...I am having a very hard time coming up with a story for my next assignment (they all end up really depressing and not fun to write...). I always seem to end up with a large amount of work to do at the end of each semester, possibly due to my tendency to procrastinate. Or possibly due to the fact that I have a husband and four kids to take care of and I am usually moving or something else equally life changing at the same time. Probably a combination of the two. I don't like having so much to do in so little time. But, on the bright side my student loan has just been approved for my next batch of classes. Once I finish those I only have to apply for loans one more time before I finally finish my degree. The next batch of classes also finishes off my third year courses and begins my fourth. I can finally see the end of a very long (but rewarding) process.

My hubby has been working (ie. going to school) long hours, which was expected, but still very difficult. We all realize (kids included) how important it is for him to finish this degree and we are all learning patience, but, we really miss him.The bright side of this is we have been more diligent in using our time together well and not wasting it. Time apart also emphasizes to all of us how much we love each other and how important our family is.

The kids are back at school and seem to be enjoying it. But, we are all having moments of REALLY missing home school. The kids have each had their days of not wanting to go and wishing they were back at home and I miss them every day. But, I am loving spending one on one time with the youngest. Every morning as we are walking hand in hand back to our vehicle after dropping the kids off, he looks up at me with a big smile and says "mommy, just me and you!". Our days are designated "just me and you" days and have been really special. My youngest son has been the least affectionate of my kids, but during "just me and you" times I get lots of hugs and kisses and lots of "I love you so much mommy". If it wasn't for the obvious benefits to my youngest (and me) I think I would have pulled the other kids from school. So far they have come home with lots of tales of playing lego, playing on the computers ("we are allowed to go on any sites we want at school! I got to watch youtube for a really long time!"), colouring, playing outside on the playground ("even during school time!"), etc. I am happy that they are having fun, but....I do hope they actually start learning something soon. I tend to get a little frustrated with the school system. But, I am trying hard to give it a chance...although the message I left for a teacher to call me last week has yet to be returned...

And probably my number one stress is something that stresses out a lot of people...$$$.
We have been living below the poverty level for quite a few years now. But, we have been very fortunate while my husband has been in school to have had very low or no rent due to our generous parents who have provided homes for us to live in. For the first time since he has been in school we are renting from somebody other than a parent and living in Vancouver the most expensive city to live in in the country. We are definately feeling the difference and are on very strict food rations. I have tried very hard to feed my children well over the years to build good palates and it has been great. My kids love eating things like spanakopita and calamari, vegetable curries, pasta with swiss chard, ricotta and lemon. Lots of things that most kids don't like. Now, we are on a VERY tight food budget that doesn't allow such things. I am working with about 10% of my usual food budget. In some ways this is good and it gets my creative juices going (I still refuse to buy and live off boxed macaroni and cheese). I still cook from scratch but am running out of uses for large russet potatoes (20lbs for $3.99). I have also been forced to bake bread almost daily which is something I wanted to do anyway and have truthfully just been to lazy. The biggest problem living in the city with no money is all the shopping that surrounds us...there are too many things to want! We are learning how to be thankful for the things that we have, because really, when you look around the world we could have so much less.

Life IS stressful and right now it IS hard. But, I am learning a lot. I really believe that our times of trials can help us grow and become better (or if nothing else they help us to appreciate when times are going well).

One of my favourite quotes is by Anne Frank who said, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy". I like to think of this whenever I am feeling a little down; because really, I have so much to be thankful for.

My Ralphie moment...

The hubby has taken the camera to school again. In case I haven't mentioned this before, I really need a new camera. I thought it was bad when I had to use the one I have, it is so much worse when I have no camera at all.

Today, I thought I would share one of my happy moments. I am taking my first creative non-fiction class. Creative non-fiction is my favourite genre to read and as it turns out my favourite to write as well. I was particularly excited when I saw for my first assignment one of the topics I could write about was food. I had to write about my earliest memory of eating food that I really enjoyed and savoured so I wrote about a meal with my granny.

 I was very nervous sending in my first piece, not sure how the marker would respond. I found it difficult to write about a subject so close to me, since I can recollect it all perfectly in my head I was hoping that what I had on paper would enable the reader to imagine it and experience a little of what I experienced. As I opened the response email, like Ralphie in A Christmas Story I was hoping for an A+++, but a little scared to see a "REWRITE" instead. Lucky for me when I scrolled to the bottom to see my mark there wasn't a "REWRITE" glaring at me in red but a lovely little black A+. I am so excited and very challenged because now I want to keep that little A+ for my transcript.

Today I will be working hard at assignment three (assignment two has already been sent in and I am ever so patiently awaiting my grade...)

For fun, I thought I would share my little story on my blog. Enjoy.

As a child I spent my summer holidays with my granny. After a morning in the garden picking raspberries, strawberries and tomatoes we headed back to the kitchen where we started prepping dessert. Two pots were placed on the stove, one half-filled with raspberries and the other with strawberries; each received a sprinkling of sugar and tapioca. When the berries began to simmer, bread was placed in the toaster to begin our lunch. Each piece of toast was spread with butter and a generous swipe of mayonnaise and Granny would very thickly slice the sun warmed tomatoes and place them on the prepared toast. Salt and pepper would be sprinkled over the glistening slices of tomato and then covered by a second slice of toast. While granny prepared a cup of tea, I took the first warm bite with a slight crunch through the toast layers and then sunk into the fresh tomato. The aroma of simmering berries accompanied the flavour of the sandwich adding an additional sweetness to each bite.

After we finished our sandwiches, we moved on to dessert. Granny took the now thickened berries off the heat to cool while we mixed together the cream heavy, pastry like dough of the Russian pyrahi that we rolled into rounds and filled with aromatic, thickened berries. Granny expertly lifted and pinched the dough into perfect little purse shapes that held the berries that would peak through the small opening on top. She shared stories of how her mother taught her to make them as a child and reminded me that one day I too would be able to create perfect little purses that would hold on to the berries tightly in the oven without them spilling over the collapsing sides as mine so often did.

As the pyrahi baked, I watched the berry filling bubbling in the centre of each little purse through the glass in the oven door. When it was finally time to remove the pyrahi, granny lifted out the trays and reminded me not to touch the still bubbling fruit that tempted my small fingers to reach out for a taste. When they were finally cool enough for granny to pick up, she placed one on each plate and reached to the back of the stove where a small pot of melted butter was waiting to be poured over the hot, fruit filled pyrahi. The first bite of rich pastry, sweet-tart berries and melted butter made me forget the long wait. Granny and I sat in silence savouring every bite.

Tomato sandwiches and fresh berry pyrahi taste of summer to me and to my children who love to watch me pinch the rounds of the cream heavy dough into perfect little purse shapes as I tell them stories of my granny and how she taught me how to make our favourite summer treat.

okay...mine aren't quite the perfect little purse shapes that I said they were but keep in mind the genre is "creative" non-fiction and so I am allowing myself a little artistic licence.

views from my neighbourhood

The boys and I decided to take an after dinner walk around our neighbourhood.

I love this rural neighbourhood...

I love the views...

I love the quirky animals in the neighbourhood...

and at this time of year, I love looking at the blossoms...

and the new babies.

I love that the lilacs are now in bloom.

The neighbourhood is filled with lilacs and as we walked we absorbed their fragrance with every breath.

Our walk also provided us with an impromptu science lesson...

Walking with my boys and seeing the world through their eyes is one of my favourite things to do. I love that they help me by pointing out the beautiful flowers in the neighbourhood...

Their appreciation of the simple things helps me to pay more attention and to try and enjoy things for what they are and not for what I perceive them to be.

I love being outdoors, breathing in the fragrant air, enjoying the simple beauty all around me...

spending time with my four favourite boys watching the sun set...

what could be better than that?

Decisions...

I know that ignoring my blog after writing about the lack of beauty in my new home will look like I have fallen into a pinkish/beige - can't change a thing -funk...but this is not the case. This past week I have been indulging in a (what seems to be yearly) hobby of mine. I have spent countless hours reading through pages and pages of information on the different schools that are available to my children.

My stress levels seem to peak every May/June.  I first experienced educational stress while contemplating and making pro and con lists between french immersion and the regular local school for my first two children. We chose french...and then on our most recent move we could not get them into french immersion...so I spent hours deciding between english school or sending them each to separate schools accomodating one in french or homeschooling. We chose to keep them together in English school...and then a few weeks later changed our minds and chose homeschool and then had to decide if we would homeschool all or just the younger ones. We decided to stick together as a family and pulled all of our kids out of the local school.

We have really enjoyed homeschool for so many reasons and I thought my decision making days were over...but...we are moving again and I have discovered that I do not have to register with the local distributed learning school - we can choose any distributed learning school in the province. In BC  distributed learning schools are homeschool based but the kids have a teacher they see (or contact) once a week, we "follow" the provincial learning outcomes (which are actually pretty vague), our learning is funded by the province and the kids get report cards and will graduate with a diploma. In my research I discovered that each school is different, which has led to a lot of research. The school they have been going to this year has provided us with textbooks and weekly schedules, which has been great. I have had very little planning to do and we have enjoyed a flexible schedule doing "school at home". But, even though we have loved it, I think it can be better. I find that we get bored and that we don't have time for a lot of things that we want to study or do.

And so...I have spent the week reading and reading and pondering and wondering...which school is best for us?

I think I may have found one. This school focuses on student directed learning (which will hopefully give us more time to explore our interests). I am hoping that it is a good fit. And I am really happy to have a major decision made.

We have a lot of changes and excitement (and work) ahead of us. We are finishing up our year of school at home, I am prepping for my university classes that start June 1st and we are starting to pack and are making another trip to Vancouver at the end of May where I will stare at those pinkish/beige walls trying desperately to figure out how to change them without covering them up...and I am open to ANY ideas...  for photos click here

Keeping me sane and very happy is the daily dose of fresh local asparagus I have been consuming and my first rhubarb harvest in three years. Stress melts off with my daily plate of roasted asparagus...quite possibly my favourite vegetable dish...and tomorrow I am making rhubarb muffins and/or scones...another decision...maybe I'll just make both.

Vancouver...

Just a quick note to say how excited I am about taking a little road trip tomorrow (I am sooo do for a road trip)...



We are heading down to Vancouver to pick up the keys to our "new" townhouse. We are so excited and a little nervous. While we have been to Vancouver numerous times, aside from a nine month stay in Calgary we have never lived in a city. We have always lived in small towns and will be sure to have a period of adjustment.

(**warning**...going off on a tangent here...)
Especially me...I am one of the few small town people who always locks and deadbolts her doors at all times...I take after my granny who used to lock the door to mow the lawn. I am a little nervous about the freedoms my kids have enjoyed running around my parent's farm and playing up and down our little street in small town Nova Scotia...I've been trying to tell them things are a little different in the city...without scaring them. My granny always drilled into me how many people were out there waiting to snatch me and I grew up not far from Vancouver in a time when getting "snatched" was a very real possibility (terrible serial killer on the loose). I really want them to have fun...but be safe at the same time. It is hard to find the right balance.

ANYWAY...

aside from that minor detail, I am really excited about the move to the city. I have a lot of fun memories of Vancouver and there will be so many things to do. My boys are really excited about being able to take the city bus...(I think I would rather take the bus than try to find parking for my Yukon Denali in downtown Vancouver) and I am excited about the restaurants, shopping, sightseeing, beaches (my kids are also really excited about exploring the Pacific coast and making sandcastles "that are really the colour of castles instead of red"). Living so close to the beach should help my kids get over missing the Atlantic beaches (although Lobster season is here and I don't think anything will make up for us missing that!) I am also really looking forward to experiencing university life and going to some lectures that are open to the public.

But...I am getting a little ahead of myself. We are only going for the week-end to pick up keys, measure the townhouse to see what we can fit in it and explore the neighbourhood a little...and take a promised visit to the Vancouver Aquarium and Stanley park. I'm sure I will be posting more about Vancouver and all we do there much more later.

Have a great week-end!

Finding my Passion...

Last month  I mentioned I was reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. One quote that she includes in her book is something I have been thinking about for a number of years and has been on my mind this week.

It is simply this:

"I can DO ANYTHING I want, but I can't DO EVERYTHING I want".

I agree completely.

As I have mentioned previously, my husband has always wanted to be an Architect; he has worked really hard over the past seven years and has completed his BFA and MFA and will be starting his MArch degree in August. He has been focused and driven and aside from family time, he hasn't had time to really do anything else. I think fulfilling dreams are like that...they require a lot of time and effort, but if it is something you love doing the work is very rewarding.

 I have been working on my BA for five years majoring in both History and English. But, I am undecided about what I want to do with it. Unlike my hubby, I have not had just one thing that I have always wanted to do. (Sometimes I really wish I did; decision-making would be SO much easier!) I couldn't even pick one major! I love many things and have bits and pieces of many hobbies that I wish I had more time for. I think it is finally sinking in that I do not have time to do all of them really well. I think all of us, at some point have to ask ourselves this: do I want to be mediocre at a lot of things or do I want to be really good at one or two? Personally, I don't like mediocre. I like doing a lot of things but when I don't have time to learn to do them well I get frustrated. I really want to narrow down my passions to just a couple and then take the time to do them well. I have known this for years, but I haven't been able to narrow them down.

Over the past year (or two) I have been really thinking about what I am the most passionate about. What is it that I want to do with my life. I don't want to wait until my kids leave home to decide what I want to be when I grow up...I know that whatever I choose to do, if I work hard I will be successful.

I like to write, I keep a daily journal and have dozens of notebooks full of things I jot down...but, nothing very polished ( I am working on this. The English portion of my degree began as a love of literature and I have taken a number of literature classes. But, during the second half of my degree I am trying to cram in all the creative writing classes I can. While I have always known that I LOVE to read, I didn't realize until a year or so ago how much I love to write, even though it is something I have always done).

I am also finding that I really love taking pictures (although I am not very good at it yet...a few days ago I went into the local camera shop and oggled the canon 7D for a while...but for now I do not have the $$$ and I think I need to finish paying for my degree first). I also really love to cook and if I were fifteen years younger and did not have four kids I would love to be a chef; however, I do not want to be a chef at my age and with a family...but, I really do want to learn to be a great cook...cooking school is something that is very appealing to me.

As of now my priorities are this...my family: spending time with my kids while they are still at home and still want to spend time with me...supporting my husband in fulfilling his dream and trying to find time for us to spend together...and finishing my degree (which I hope to complete by early 2013...yes it is taking me a very long time, mostly due to priority number one). I have been trying to master my little point and shoot camera...and I do have that beautiful 7D on my wish list...I practice my cooking as much as I can and cook something from scratch nearly every day (Last night it was pizza... I made the crust and the sauce as always, but I would really love to add making the cheese...maybe next pay day I will order some rennet...)and the past two mornings I have been working on a blackberries and cream scone recipe ( I found some really nice frozen berries). Not quite ready to share yet...maybe when the fresh berries come in...

I think over the past few months I have narrowed my "really want to do" list to three things:
1. writing
2. photography
3. food ( although I am also really interested in agriculture, the family farm and self sufficiency...which is kind of number 4).

I know, that is four things not one or two. But, that is as narrow as I can go for now...I keep thinking that maybe I can find a way to make them all work together...do you think so?

Childish Things

I remember when I was young, listening to the radio with my mother. It seemed as if every song that came on was her "favourite song", or at least every other song was. I thought she was crazy. How could so many songs be her "favourite"; it didn't make any sense.

Now I understand. The more I read, the more quotes I find that I love. I have many, many favourites. My favourite can change at any moment depending on my mood. They may not all be my very favourite at this moment but have been a favourite at different times of my life. I love them and carry them with me.

Today, I thought I would write down my new favourite quote...for this moment anyway.

"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
~ C.S. Lewis

 I was an early reader and read the Little House on the Prairie series, Charlotte's Web and others when I was six and seven. When I was ten I read Sweet Valley High books. At 11 and 12 and 13 I collected Stephen King and V.C. Andrews novels and I would stay up reading until the early morning hours because I was too frightened to go to sleep.

As an adult some of my favourite books are the Anne of Green Gables series (which I read for the first time when I was pregnant with my daughter), Little Women, The Secret Garden, the Little Princess, Harry Potter and many others. I read to my kids everyday and have loved exploring some of the literature I missed out on (or that wasn't available) when I was younger.

Photo Courtesy of William Rance

As I watch my 11 year old try desperately to seem more grown up: refusing to be in the room if a cartoon is on (because they are SO stupid), and not wanting to read "baby books" (anything with pictures) to her brothers because they are SO beneath her. I am reminded of my 11 year old self and how hard those pre-teen and teen years could be and how desperately I wanted to be an adult. I am grateful for age and the wisdom I have gained to know that it is okay to stand out and be different and it is also okay to just be a kid sometimes no matter what your age is.

Monday Bliss

Today my middle son is six...(April is a big month for birthdays in our family).

I was a little stressed trying to think about what we could do today...we did a birthday party a week and a half ago and a big family dinner on Saturday...I was pretty happy when he crawled into bed with me this morning and asked if he could PLEASE have a pajama day today...wear his pjs all day and just play, watch TV, read stories...relax! I...the trying so hard to be the perfect mother...said "of course" and then said a little thank-you! under my breath.

This week-end has been SO busy. My sister and her family left on Friday, a few hours later my husband's family arrived...Saturday, my oldest son had his first fencing lesson...

immediately followed by his baptism and then following that a family dinner for 17 that I hosted for my number two son's birthday...Sunday we had church and then said good-bye to my hubby's family... and the cat who six months ago was abondoned in my dad's workshop and I felt too sorry for it to let my mom put it in the barn with the scary barn cats...

He is going to live at Grandma's house. I had a few unhappy kids to comfort Sunday night. But, the cat had to go. For those of you just joining us...we live in a 600 square foot cottage...all six of us...adding a cat to the mix borders on crazy...although an argument could be made that 6 people in 600 square feet while homeschooling is full immersion crazy already...I do understand that argument. Mostly it is good...the cat pushed it a little over the top.

But, like Julia Donaldson's "A Squash and a Squeeze" taking out the cat has made our little cottage roomier already. The kids all seem to have recovered this morning and so...

Today is bliss. A day to relax...just me and my kids...no A.M. fighting over whose turn it is to hold the cat...just us...nowhere to go...everyone is getting along...and I have time to sit and cuddle my little boy who is now six and getting bigger everyday.

I love these moments.

100th birthday

Today would have been my granny's 100th birthday.

She was born 1 April, 1911 and passed away in September six years ago. I still miss her. She was such a big part of my life. You can read about her here.

Last night we had a little family dinner in her honour. My mom, sister, sister in law and daughter cooked up a Russian dinner: a big bowl of borscht (cabbage based not beet), we made varenyky (perogies), and for dessert pyrahi. 

Pyrahi are probably my favourite dessert. When strawberries and raspberries were in season, Granny and I would spend almost every week-end in her garden picking berries and then making pyrahi. Strawberry were my favourite.

I have so many memories of being out with granny in her garden. I can still picture her in her straw hat with the funny rubber worm on the rim, her old green sweatshirt, old blue addidas running shoes and her little wooden stool (which now sits next to my bed holding my current bedtime reads). She would tie an ice cream pail around her waist and pick until it was full. Her pail would always fill much faster than mine would; probably because I ate more than I saved.

We would pick a bright red tomato or two before going in for lunch. We would have amazing tomato sandwiches with toasted bread with butter and a big glob of mayonnaise and pile on very thick slices of sun warmed tomato...salt...pepper...I can still taste them.

After lunch she would pull out her glass rolling pin with the screwtop lid on the side and start the batch of pyrahi. I loved watching her make pyrahi...mostly because I knew what the afternoon snack would be. Her hands would move so fast rolling little balls of dough and rolling out circles. The strawberries and/or raspberries would be simmering on the stove making the kitchen smell amazing. She would place a dollop of berries in the centre of a round of dough and quickly spin and pinch all the way around until she had made a perfect little purse...she would let me make one or two and she would smile when each time I found it nearly impossible to make a neat little purse shape. I usually just helped rolling the balls.

I would wait patiently for them to come out of the oven...then granny would pour melted butter over the top and we would eat...yes, melted butter. My granny ate more butter than anybody I have ever met. I don't think she cooked anything with less than a half cup of butter; which is probably why all her food tasted SO good. (These days I skip the melted butter as these are just as delicious on their own).

Granny once tried to have her recipe published but the cookbook it was supposed to be in never materialized. Today on her 100th birthday, I thought I would publish it for her. They are a little finicky to make...but so yummy to eat...and so full of memories for me.

Granny's Pyrahi

Dough:

In a medium bowl mix together:

3 cups flour
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar

add 1/4 cup butter

work butter into flour mixture with your fingers (like working a crumble); I have also used cold butter and cut it in fine - like pastry - both work.

In a small bowl whisk 2 eggs and add 1 1/2 cups cream.

Add cream and egg mixture to flour mixture and stir to combine. Form into a soft ball.

Filling:

Various fillings can be used. Granny preferred strawberry and raspberry. She also made pyrahi with hamburger and onions...but you can use your imagination...peaches, blueberries, blackberries...you get the idea.

Granny always used fresh berries and cooked them on the stovetop with a little tapioca (you can also use corn starch) and sugar if needed. Of course it was all done to taste and I unfortunately haven't made them enough to figure out the exact amounts needed. I would suggest about six cups of chopped strawberries before cooking (if you have leftovers it makes an excellent topping for blintze or pancakes). I used about a tablespoon of corn starch as a thickener.

It is best to make the filling first and let cool while you make the dough. Also preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Divide dough into 36 sections and roll each section into a ball.

With a rolling pin, roll each ball into a round...

or if you have troubles...like I do...a roundish shape is fine. You want them to be as thin as you can get them...but they still need to hold the filling without splitting open...which does happen sometimes. They take a bit of practice.

Place about a tablespoon of filling in the centre of the dough, bring the sides up and pinch into a purse shape, leaving a little air hole on top for steam to escape...

and place on a parchment or silpat lined cookie sheet. Bake in a preheated 400 degree F oven for about 20 minutes or until they are starting to turn golden brown on the tips and the bottom.

These are good warm out of the oven and just as good the next day. I only make them about once every few years, but, after this week I think I should make them more often. I want to be able to make them perfectly like granny did; maybe by the time I am a grandmother I will.

Enjoy!

Happy 100th Birthday Granny!