Blog Therapy

I am slowly unpacking all of our boxes and finding places for everything. Some things have been put into storage until we move...again. While I am grateful that we have a place to live I am not overly excited about being in another temporary position. Something about knowing that I will have to move again in the not too distant future makes me feel a little unmotivated about unpacking. 

Growing up - especially through my teen years - I often felt depressed. I have never been diagnosed with depression or anything I was just a bit of a glass is half empty girl. I had a tendency to focus on the negative. I wasn't completely crazy - there was negative. But, isn't there always? Over the past decade or so I have really tried to focus on the positive. I have made an effort to choose to see the good;  because even though there is a lot of negativity around - and it is not too difficult to find it all you need to do is turn on the evening news - there is also a lot of good.  Luckily, for the most part this has worked. The more I looked for the good things in life - the easier it was to find them. I have really tried to do what I feel is right and I have been led on an amazing journey where I have learned so much. I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that I have experienced. This past year has been a particularly good one for me. I haven't felt so happy in...maybe ever. I was almost giddy at times. Even though my family had challenges I felt like I could do anything. I laughed more than I have laughed in decades...or again maybe more than I ever have. I was busy and didn't accomplish all that I wanted to, but I learned so much, met so many great people and felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Earlier this year...I knew that where I needed to be was somewhere else. More accurately I knew that my family needed to be somewhere else and I needed to be with my family. As I prepared to move I felt content. I knew I was doing what I needed to do and that is always a great feeling for me to have. I love having the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. 

For some reason, as my family and I moved across country - for the fourth time in six years - and have come closer to family, friends and great Okanagan produce (I would like to say that last one is a joke but it is not - I was so excited to have fresh local peaches this year) I have not been able to shake off a feeling of disappointment, exhaustion, and sadness. 

I feel a little shallow because I know part of it is because we moved from a beautiful, large, Victorian home to a not quite so beautiful, small, basement suite. I know that shouldn't matter but for some reason it does. I find that all the little things that are going wrong have become extra irritating. Things like - the oven door doesn't close fully and the oven doesn't cook evenly, food becomes burnt in some areas while still raw in others -  I should just be grateful the stovetop works, right? But, I am more irritated than grateful. 

Normally, I really don't care what people think of me...but for some reason this time...I do. I feel embarrassed. I think maybe it is because I don't have a plan. I always have a plan. I always have a project I am working on. But, right now, I have nothing. My plan was to work on my photography and practice my cooking, which I suppose could explain my irritation at the basement suite (with very little natural light) and the oven that doesn't really work.  Maybe my concern isn't so much what others think of me it is what I am thinking of me...right now, it isn't good. 

I feel a little stagnated, when I like to always feel like I am moving forward. I have had three different plans for starting school this fall - two have been last minute and one of those I very nearly forced through. I know that is not right for me this year. But I feel a little panicked. Maybe it is because for the first time in nine years I won't be in school and for the first time since I've had kids I will be home while all of my kids will be in school. I am in a tiny basement suite and I can only do so much cleaning...

I just had a thought...maybe it is time to make jam.* 

I feel better already. 

Thanks for the therapy session...how much do I owe you?

*a pathetic little reference to TV... back when I used to watch TV... anyone remember the Friends episode where Monica has the jam plan? Except I don't live anywhere near a dock...or have a friend like Joey...so I may have to think of something else...

My little piece of heaven...

Today I hugged my kids a little tighter.

This morning I accompanied my youngest to the pumpkin patch with his class.

There is something about watching five year olds find the perfect pumpkin.

so proud of himself.

And then I took one too many photos...

and things became silly. I love every picture of his silly face.

I smiled at his eagerness to line up for the bus many minutes before anyone else. Today was his first time on a school bus and he was so excited.

I was so grateful as I watched him. Grateful that I could be there. Grateful that I have been able to stay home with my kids while they are little. Grateful for all the time I have had with them.

When I returned to the school it was recess and my middle son's eyes lit up when he saw me and he ran over to me for a hug. I was so happy to have that hug. So grateful to receive a hug even though his friends were watching. He said he hadn't been feeling well and was wanting to come home and miraculously I arrived just as he was wishing that he could go home. I brought him home and bundled him up on the couch with a movie. It felt so good to see his happy face and hear his little voice saying "Thank you so much for coming to get me mommy".

I anxiously awaited the end of school so I could pick up the two boys who were still at school.

My daughter agreed to babysit while I ran down to the school to get them. On the way there I thought about how big she is getting. How much she has matured over the past months and what a help and a friend she is to me.

photo by Caylee Secretan

 We are busy planning our third annual girls day for November and we are really looking forward to it. 

She is growing up so fast and it really freaks me out that she has so few years left at home. My babies are growing up so fast!

After school I decided to surprise the kids with a treat and made chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate with whipping cream. While I baked I let the boys play video games...

They were so happy... Thursday is not one of their regular days to play. They played until I called them to the table for a treat.

I loved watching how happy they were. Today has been cool and drizzling...warm cookies and hot chocolate was much appreciated. 

They were so happy and really it required very little effort on my part. We get so caught up in the day to day routines it was nice to spoil them a little. I wanted them to know how grateful I am for them. How much I love them and how I am not just about nagging them to do homework, and clean their rooms, and hurry up because we are going to be late...I need to bring more fun into our lives. 

At least once in awhile. We do that during the holidays but during the school year everyone is always so busy that sometimes we forget to stop and enjoy each other. 

I was reminded of that over the past couple of days as I read "Heaven is Here" by Stephanie Nielson. Her story is so heartbreaking and inspiring. Reading it made me want to hug my kids a little tighter each day and reminded me what a privilege it is to be a mother. How lucky I am to have been blessed with four beautiful children. Today I am filled with gratitude for a wonderful husband who works so hard to  take care of his family and who really loves me. I sometimes forget how rare that is. After fifteen years we are still best friends and even more in love than the day we were married. He is so good to me and I am so happy that I have him. My family means so much to me and even though I tell them every day, I don't always take the time to show them. 

Thank you NieNie for reminding me that Heaven IS here. I think I will appreciate my life and express my gratitude just a little bit more after reading your book. 

If you haven't read it yet...go out and buy it. I can't imagine anyone reading this book and not being affected by her powerful message of hope and gratitude. On a side note... it also made me want to get out and run. If she can...I really have no excuse.

Feeling Blessed

I am loving the daisies growing in the backyard and have been enjoying bunches of them on my kitchen table.

This week I am really enjoying the small blessings in life.

My hubby was unexpectedly out of work for a week and a half which unfortunately caused some severe budgeting changes right at the beginning of cherry season. Very disappointing...until a friend who is the lucky owner of five cherry trees called. She had too many cherries and wanted to know if we would be interested in two trees to pick! YES PLEASE! Not only did I get what I am sure was over a hundred pounds of cherries for free, but my husband was also home to pick them while I processed.

I spent three days in the kitchen canning cherries, three kinds of jam, and two ice-cream sauces: cherry almond and chocolate cherry (which I like mixing with some whipped cream and using as a filling in chocolate cake). For three nights I pit cherries until very late while catching up on some movie watching...and froze two dozen bags of pitted cherries. We've eaten cherries by the bowl full, made pie, and I even tried making cherry pyrahi, a flavour I have never made or tasted.

They were really good (although strawberry is still my favourite). I was able to process way more cherries than I was planning on buying. My canning cupboard is starting to fill up already! 

Last night, I was able to head over to one of my parent's neighbours who were away for a few days. Before they left they asked if I would be interested in picking their raspberries while they were gone! The boys and I have been eating raspberries all morning (my daughter is away at her first girl's summer camp this week). I was able to freeze six bags of raspberries for our favourite raspberry, lemon muffins this fall... 

In between my picking, processing and eating the yummy goodness of summer I was able to read "The Dirty Life" by Kristin Kimball which I loved. "Farm porn" for us would be farmers. In the book she talks about her husband's "magic circle" luck that seems to follow him and gives him a belief in the human tendency towards goodwill and kindness. I have witnessed a little of that this week and am very grateful...

Thank- you so much. 

Hard Times

I have been in a bit of a downcast mood lately. Although, I am really working hard at staying positive. In addition to a lot of technical difficulties lately (hence the lack of photos), it has been a very busy and stressful time.

 I have two weeks left in my current semester of classes and eight assignments left to write...I am having a very hard time coming up with a story for my next assignment (they all end up really depressing and not fun to write...). I always seem to end up with a large amount of work to do at the end of each semester, possibly due to my tendency to procrastinate. Or possibly due to the fact that I have a husband and four kids to take care of and I am usually moving or something else equally life changing at the same time. Probably a combination of the two. I don't like having so much to do in so little time. But, on the bright side my student loan has just been approved for my next batch of classes. Once I finish those I only have to apply for loans one more time before I finally finish my degree. The next batch of classes also finishes off my third year courses and begins my fourth. I can finally see the end of a very long (but rewarding) process.

My hubby has been working (ie. going to school) long hours, which was expected, but still very difficult. We all realize (kids included) how important it is for him to finish this degree and we are all learning patience, but, we really miss him.The bright side of this is we have been more diligent in using our time together well and not wasting it. Time apart also emphasizes to all of us how much we love each other and how important our family is.

The kids are back at school and seem to be enjoying it. But, we are all having moments of REALLY missing home school. The kids have each had their days of not wanting to go and wishing they were back at home and I miss them every day. But, I am loving spending one on one time with the youngest. Every morning as we are walking hand in hand back to our vehicle after dropping the kids off, he looks up at me with a big smile and says "mommy, just me and you!". Our days are designated "just me and you" days and have been really special. My youngest son has been the least affectionate of my kids, but during "just me and you" times I get lots of hugs and kisses and lots of "I love you so much mommy". If it wasn't for the obvious benefits to my youngest (and me) I think I would have pulled the other kids from school. So far they have come home with lots of tales of playing lego, playing on the computers ("we are allowed to go on any sites we want at school! I got to watch youtube for a really long time!"), colouring, playing outside on the playground ("even during school time!"), etc. I am happy that they are having fun, but....I do hope they actually start learning something soon. I tend to get a little frustrated with the school system. But, I am trying hard to give it a chance...although the message I left for a teacher to call me last week has yet to be returned...

And probably my number one stress is something that stresses out a lot of people...$$$.
We have been living below the poverty level for quite a few years now. But, we have been very fortunate while my husband has been in school to have had very low or no rent due to our generous parents who have provided homes for us to live in. For the first time since he has been in school we are renting from somebody other than a parent and living in Vancouver the most expensive city to live in in the country. We are definately feeling the difference and are on very strict food rations. I have tried very hard to feed my children well over the years to build good palates and it has been great. My kids love eating things like spanakopita and calamari, vegetable curries, pasta with swiss chard, ricotta and lemon. Lots of things that most kids don't like. Now, we are on a VERY tight food budget that doesn't allow such things. I am working with about 10% of my usual food budget. In some ways this is good and it gets my creative juices going (I still refuse to buy and live off boxed macaroni and cheese). I still cook from scratch but am running out of uses for large russet potatoes (20lbs for $3.99). I have also been forced to bake bread almost daily which is something I wanted to do anyway and have truthfully just been to lazy. The biggest problem living in the city with no money is all the shopping that surrounds us...there are too many things to want! We are learning how to be thankful for the things that we have, because really, when you look around the world we could have so much less.

Life IS stressful and right now it IS hard. But, I am learning a lot. I really believe that our times of trials can help us grow and become better (or if nothing else they help us to appreciate when times are going well).

One of my favourite quotes is by Anne Frank who said, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy". I like to think of this whenever I am feeling a little down; because really, I have so much to be thankful for.

Childish Things

I remember when I was young, listening to the radio with my mother. It seemed as if every song that came on was her "favourite song", or at least every other song was. I thought she was crazy. How could so many songs be her "favourite"; it didn't make any sense.

Now I understand. The more I read, the more quotes I find that I love. I have many, many favourites. My favourite can change at any moment depending on my mood. They may not all be my very favourite at this moment but have been a favourite at different times of my life. I love them and carry them with me.

Today, I thought I would write down my new favourite quote...for this moment anyway.

"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
~ C.S. Lewis

 I was an early reader and read the Little House on the Prairie series, Charlotte's Web and others when I was six and seven. When I was ten I read Sweet Valley High books. At 11 and 12 and 13 I collected Stephen King and V.C. Andrews novels and I would stay up reading until the early morning hours because I was too frightened to go to sleep.

As an adult some of my favourite books are the Anne of Green Gables series (which I read for the first time when I was pregnant with my daughter), Little Women, The Secret Garden, the Little Princess, Harry Potter and many others. I read to my kids everyday and have loved exploring some of the literature I missed out on (or that wasn't available) when I was younger.

Photo Courtesy of William Rance

As I watch my 11 year old try desperately to seem more grown up: refusing to be in the room if a cartoon is on (because they are SO stupid), and not wanting to read "baby books" (anything with pictures) to her brothers because they are SO beneath her. I am reminded of my 11 year old self and how hard those pre-teen and teen years could be and how desperately I wanted to be an adult. I am grateful for age and the wisdom I have gained to know that it is okay to stand out and be different and it is also okay to just be a kid sometimes no matter what your age is.

The Joys of Motherhood

I love being a mother but there is one aspect of it that I often feel that I really could do without...the guilt.

I don't know if it is just me or if is something that just comes with the job description, but I have found that since I became a mother I have enjoyed a daily helping of guilt.

I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids, not doing enough with them, not spending an equal amount of time with each child (am I the only one who has ever heard...you like him/her better?), and then there is the guilt that comes when I feel I am spending too much time with them and not enough with my hubby, family, laundry...insert anything that needs to get done and isn't getting done. And then of course comes the guilt that I am not doing enough to improve myself and the years are going by...

I feel guilty about so many things that are beyond my control. Things like my daughter has no sister and is often alone and/or bored...

I really did try to give her a sister...did I mention that I have three boys...that are the best of friends...which doesn't really help her situation. So...guilt if I don't spend extra time with her and guilt if I do...guilt and worry... oh the joys of motherhood!

We are hitting the pre-teen years around our house...I am a little nervous...about added guilt and worry...and grumpiness...

But...the great thing about being a mother is that it forces me to be patient and creative; to try new things and continually grow and learn.

Growing up I was the loner in my family...and I was often alone and bored...and grumpy. I understand how my daughter feels and I can tell her in all honesty that things do change...as a mother of four I am NEVER alone and NEVER bored and never grumpy (for very long) as one of my four is always doing something to make me smile or laugh.

I am so grateful that in spite of the above mentioned aloneness/boredom/grumpiness...my kids do love each other (deep down somewhere) and they do have moments of togetherness/happiness/fun which really makes it all worth it.

It has been said that there needs to be opposition in all things. I have come to believe that in spite of and posssibly because of all the guilt and worry and work...

there is no joy like the joy experienced by a mother.

gratitude

I think it is easy to get caught up in all the things I want to do that are not getting done or that are taking more time than I had hoped.

It is easy to feel that I don't have all the things that I want or that I am not yet the person I want to be.

For me, it has always been far easier to look at the negative, the blank spaces in my life.

I have really been trying to change that.

I imagine that very few people think that their life is perfect. We all have things we want to change and shortcomings that we would like to fix.

Paraphrasing murphy: No matter how bad things are they could always be worse. Instead of looking at all the things that need improvement I like to look at all the good things I have. When I do this I end up feeling very blessed indeed. (I think I may be reading a little too much Austen...)

And so today...some gratitude.

I am so grateful for an amazing hubby who I love and who loves me. I am always amazed how each year our love continues to grow. I have been blessed with a happy marriage.

I am very grateful for four healthy children who bring so much joy into my life (although that joy does come with just a little bit of insanity - but it's all good!)

I have been blessed with a supportive and loving extended family who help me and my family in so many ways.

I have my health.

Those things alone make life good.

But I also have been blessed with a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, my husband has a job, I have more books than I may be able to read in my lifetime, my kids are learning and growing everyday, my student loan was finally approved (YAY!) and I can start a new semester of school in June, I live in a beautiful country where I can experience a high quality of life (even while living below the poverty level), I am able to supply my children with all the necessities of life, and even though I do not have everything I want, I have everything I need.

And really, who can ask for more than that?

Blog discoveries and questions

 This year I decided that I want to spend more time on my blog.

I want to write more.

I want to learn how to use my camera...and maybe if I am really lucky get a DSLR and learn how to use that...

I am really happy this year. As I look at my New Year's resolutions even though it is only February I already see progress; which is a first for me.

I have been writing more on my blog and have found that I really love it.

I like having time that is carved out for me and something I actually want to do not just have to. It is something of my own and living in a tiny house with six people there is little room for things of one's own.

I do realize how strange it is to think of my blog as my own considering that I put it out there for anyone to see but, I think the public forum gives me incentive to write. Which is good for me. My blog also encourages me to do something and to think about my time and how it is spent.

I have found that I really love to write. I have always kept journals and used to write (mostly bad) poetry when I was a teen-ager. I have always been an avid reader (see here and here ) but haven't done too much writing other than what I previously mentioned and loads of academic essays. I took a creative writing course last year and LOVED it. It is so different than writing academic essays. Writing is definately something I would like to continue to do. This semester (that I am starting in June) I am taking two more creative writing classes. They will be challenging; I am a little punctuationally challenged and my grammar really should be exceptional but it isn't. Even though I know it will be hard I am really looking forward to them and to learning and growing and using my creativity.

I also surprised myself over the past few months by discovering that life is SO different and so much more beautiful when seen through the lens of a camera.



 I really love taking pictures...especially using my macro setting.

I am still so far from being even a mediocre photographer (which I notice as I look at some really amazing ones) but I am learning. I have discovered how to use different settings on my cheap little point and shoot. I actually WANT to get a DSLR and learn more about photography and taking pictures. Not long ago I didn't want one, they looked too difficult; even though I was almost always unhappy with the results the automatic setting was good enough for me.

I am excited to see the changes that I have made in my life.

I started my blog to chronicle my journey. So I could see where I needed improvement and where I was succeeding in my attempt to create a life that I wanted to live and as I tried to discover what I wanted to do with the gift of life and health that I had been given. I am hoping that as time progresses I will see improvement.

As I spend more time on my blog I find myself with questions especially regarding what I am allowed and not allowed to do.

~ Can I link to things I like? If I want to share something I have found that I really like (be it a website or a blog) can I link to it or do I need to write for permission first and then wait for a response?

~ If I want to share a favourite recipe that is not my own, can I? Or do I need to write the publisher and get permission first?

~ Are photos like book quotes? Can I include ones I like if I cite where they are from?

I think most of my questions relate to copyright laws...I'm just curious. I see so many different things all over the blog world, I am not sure what the proper conduct is.

If anyone out there knows where to direct me for answers I would appreciate it.

I noticed that I have reached the 1000 views mark on my blog this week-end. I am surprised and thankful for everyone who has shown an interest and taken time to view my little corner of the web. Thank you for participating in my journey!

the joys of homeschool

I started homeschooling my kids this year (for many, many reasons) Technically, we are schooling at home. In BC they have a program called distributed learning which gives parents the option of having their kids do school at home. They still follow the curriculum (mostly - I can pick and choose how they follow it) and they have a teacher they see once a week. They will still graduate with a diploma but they get to learn at home and I oversee the majority of their education.

I am really, really enjoying it.

One of my favourite things about homeschooling is our mornings. I love that we don't have to rush...I love that I don't have to pack lunches...and I love that I am able to finally take some time for myself.

We still wake up early but every morning the kids have some play time and I take an extra hour in my room to write in my journal and read a chapter (or two) of a book.

(to see what I was reading in January click here).

EVERY day...I promise you it sure beats waking up at the crack of dawn, jumping out of bed and rushing.

Every moment of my life felt like I was rushing somewhere...and nagging the kids to hurry up; because we were almost always late for something.

Now...ah...it is relaxed.

The kids have time to relax and play in the morning; we eat breakfast together as a family (minus of course my amazing hubby...if we could only figure out some way for him to stay home...)

and then, when we are all relaxed and feeling good about our day we begin school.

SO much better than the daily rush.

I love spending time with each child individually and watching them learn.

I love that they can move quickly on subjects that are easy for them and that they can take more time on those that they need extra help with. I love that they can get one on one help when they need it.

and I really love that in the middle of the day we can take some time to make cookies, or muffins, or bread or whatever we feel like making and that whoever wants to help out can help.

I love that my kids can play board games in the middle of the day if they choose to and that those board games give my 11 year old daughter something she will happily do with her brothers.

I love watching my kids as they grasp concepts and learn new things.

I feel like I have found the best of both worlds. I have my kids at home with me, I avoid all the things I don't like about the public school system and I still get access to what I feel are the benefits.

I love that I can make choices and live my life the way I want to live it.

gratitude on a snowy morning

It is a grey, snowy morning here in the Okanagan...

and the kids and I are cozied up in our little cottage for the morning....

(I think the afternoon will be spent tobagganing)

Since it is so cold and snowy, I thought it would be a perfect morning for some apple spice muffins to warm us up...

Like many people at this time of year we are a little short on cash and while we are awaiting the first paycheck of the year I just thought I would mention how grateful I am that I have learned how to cook!

even with little in the fridge I was still able to make a yummy breakfast of apple spice muffins (using apples that I chopped up and froze in the fall) and delicious canned fruit from this summer...

I am grateful that I love to be in the kitchen (I always feel so sorry for those who view cooking as a chore) and my husband is grateful that when he sees nothing to eat and "no food" in the house that I am able to put something on the table that is just as good if not better than what we would eat if we had money to spare.

I really do love eating in season and in Canada without the aid of greenhouses the only thing that is in season right now is food that was stored up for winter during the great harvests of summer and fall...and so during this time of instant gratification and endless supermarkets...I am very thankful to have a closet full of summer canning and a freezer full of chopped fruit and the side of grass fed beef we purchased in the fall...life is good!