Confucius and my lack of perfection...

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius

When I started writing this blog I wanted to keep a journal of my life moving forward. I wanted a way to mark our family's progress so that when I looked back I would be able to see how far we had travelled - that each small step we took brought us to a more perfect future. I was hoping that with each decision we made we would be able to see a direct upward moving line.

That obviously hasn't happened. My life - as I suppose all life - has moved forward and backward, right and left (or east and west in my case) and has curved in all sorts of directions. I sometimes feel like I'm not moving forward at all and I get frustrated.

But, when I look back  I am reminded of how much we have learned over the past five years. Life has been very difficult at times and even though we've been working very hard we've not seen the results that I thought we would. We are not yet where I thought we would be. What I do see is growth and lots of room for improvement and that is a good thing.

This quote reminds me that even when progress is not speeding along as quickly as I would like it to - it is still there and that is what matters. It is important to relax a little and enjoy the journey - not to expect perfection so quickly because it may not arrive at all in my lifetime. I have to remind myself that a lack of perfection is no reason to give up but is an excellent reason to keep moving forward one tiny step at a time.

Blog Therapy

I am slowly unpacking all of our boxes and finding places for everything. Some things have been put into storage until we move...again. While I am grateful that we have a place to live I am not overly excited about being in another temporary position. Something about knowing that I will have to move again in the not too distant future makes me feel a little unmotivated about unpacking. 

Growing up - especially through my teen years - I often felt depressed. I have never been diagnosed with depression or anything I was just a bit of a glass is half empty girl. I had a tendency to focus on the negative. I wasn't completely crazy - there was negative. But, isn't there always? Over the past decade or so I have really tried to focus on the positive. I have made an effort to choose to see the good;  because even though there is a lot of negativity around - and it is not too difficult to find it all you need to do is turn on the evening news - there is also a lot of good.  Luckily, for the most part this has worked. The more I looked for the good things in life - the easier it was to find them. I have really tried to do what I feel is right and I have been led on an amazing journey where I have learned so much. I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that I have experienced. This past year has been a particularly good one for me. I haven't felt so happy in...maybe ever. I was almost giddy at times. Even though my family had challenges I felt like I could do anything. I laughed more than I have laughed in decades...or again maybe more than I ever have. I was busy and didn't accomplish all that I wanted to, but I learned so much, met so many great people and felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Earlier this year...I knew that where I needed to be was somewhere else. More accurately I knew that my family needed to be somewhere else and I needed to be with my family. As I prepared to move I felt content. I knew I was doing what I needed to do and that is always a great feeling for me to have. I love having the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. 

For some reason, as my family and I moved across country - for the fourth time in six years - and have come closer to family, friends and great Okanagan produce (I would like to say that last one is a joke but it is not - I was so excited to have fresh local peaches this year) I have not been able to shake off a feeling of disappointment, exhaustion, and sadness. 

I feel a little shallow because I know part of it is because we moved from a beautiful, large, Victorian home to a not quite so beautiful, small, basement suite. I know that shouldn't matter but for some reason it does. I find that all the little things that are going wrong have become extra irritating. Things like - the oven door doesn't close fully and the oven doesn't cook evenly, food becomes burnt in some areas while still raw in others -  I should just be grateful the stovetop works, right? But, I am more irritated than grateful. 

Normally, I really don't care what people think of me...but for some reason this time...I do. I feel embarrassed. I think maybe it is because I don't have a plan. I always have a plan. I always have a project I am working on. But, right now, I have nothing. My plan was to work on my photography and practice my cooking, which I suppose could explain my irritation at the basement suite (with very little natural light) and the oven that doesn't really work.  Maybe my concern isn't so much what others think of me it is what I am thinking of me...right now, it isn't good. 

I feel a little stagnated, when I like to always feel like I am moving forward. I have had three different plans for starting school this fall - two have been last minute and one of those I very nearly forced through. I know that is not right for me this year. But I feel a little panicked. Maybe it is because for the first time in nine years I won't be in school and for the first time since I've had kids I will be home while all of my kids will be in school. I am in a tiny basement suite and I can only do so much cleaning...

I just had a thought...maybe it is time to make jam.* 

I feel better already. 

Thanks for the therapy session...how much do I owe you?

*a pathetic little reference to TV... back when I used to watch TV... anyone remember the Friends episode where Monica has the jam plan? Except I don't live anywhere near a dock...or have a friend like Joey...so I may have to think of something else...

Life in a Whirlwind

I just realized that it has been almost exactly six years since we packed up and moved our family of six from BC - driving across Canada - to Nova Scotia. We were so excited for our new adventure. I didn't even mind getting rid of most of my stuff.

Since then:

-we had the best summer of our lives exploring the maritime provinces and enjoying the incredible beauty that is found here.

-my husband spent two years commuting two hours in each direction to Halifax to attend school. We barely saw him. But, we were so excited when he received his Master's Degree.

-We then moved back to BC - driving across Canada - again getting rid of half of our stuff - and spent a year living in a 600 square foot cottage. It was a great experience and I'm really glad we did it. We were able to spend a lot of time with my family.

- We then moved to Vancouver (about a five hour distance from where we were). We were so excited for my hubby to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming an architect.

- Our first week in Vancouver we both knew we were not supposed to be there - this was not the path for us. One semester later we moved back. We spent a year and a half living in the town we both went to high school in. My entire family (parents, sister and family, and brother and family) were all living in the same town at the same time. My kids were able to spend a lot of time with their cousins, which made me really happy.

- Last year we got rid of half of our stuff, packed the family up and moved back to Nova Scotia. My hubby taught at Acadia university over the summer and loved it. We were so excited for him to finally be starting a career he loved.

During all that time I worked on and completed my bachelor of Arts degree majoring in English, minoring in History.

I started a photography course in September while completing my bachelor's degree (I finished my BA at the end of October and received my degree in March).  I finish my photography course in July.

We've shared our home with exchange students over the past year and have enjoyed spending time with a 16 year old girl from Italy, an 11 year old boy from South Korea and a 13 year old boy from Colombia.

We've loved spending time with the missionaries from our church and have had them in our home for many, many meals over the past ten months.

Over the past six years we have learned so much, made many new friends and we have been able to spend a lot of time with old friends and family We have loved our many adventures and all of the things we have seen and experienced. I have felt the love of a Heavenly Father who has guided our path.

During this time we have also experienced many challenges, trials, and hardships. Our financial burdens have often been heavy. We have always pushed forward having a great desire to do what we feel is right for us. Over the past six years I have felt more joy than I have ever felt in my life. I have also felt a lot of fear and frustration and guilt.

My hubby has been out of work since October. This has been very difficult for him but he has been incredibly supportive of me and has (mostly) happily played the part of Mr. Mom while I have been at photography school. I have felt a lot of guilt studying photography, but for some reason we both feel strongly that this is something I should do. I have learned so much from this experience and not only about photography. This has been the first time I have daily left home and spent some time alone in fifteen years. My hubby has increased his appreciation of all mother's do...

We are currently planning and praying and trying to figure out what we should do next... I have been accepted into a Master's of Libraries and Information Systems program. I think this will be a good fit for me. It's an online program so I can do it from anywhere. I think I know what I'll be doing for the next two years. My hubby's career is not so clear. University jobs seem to be getting fewer and harder to get. He has been looking across the country and the few that have become available are very competitive. He couldn't find any available for the fall in his field. He has been looking into trucking...there seem to be more jobs available in that field than any other. But...he needs to upgrade his DL and courses cost money...so we're not quite sure what he is going to do yet.

We need to make some definite plans soon. Money has to come from somewhere...we're just not sure where yet. Right now I'm feeling a little scared...but, I do have faith that something will work out for us. Hopefully, soon. I've been feeling a lot of stress and varied emotions this week.

Mostly - today - I'm feeling a little tired.

school and a break

I have been very overwhelmed this semester with readings, essays, and exam preparations. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am too old, or maybe I have too big of a family, or maybe I am just a little bit crazy. Most likely it is a little bit of all of the above. When I throw in a major move every semester or so I really start to think I have gone a little loopy.

I have eight days left in my semester...four and a half assignments to finish and two exams to write. (I am exhausted just writing that by the way). There are moments when I feel like I may have an anxiety attack and there have been a few tears when I think about how I am not being the mother/wife that I would like to be this month. I have had my doubts and have questioned why I am torturing myself? I do not have to do this. It is costing me money that I do not have. And to be honest I don't even know what I am going to do with this degree when I am done.

BUT...I have seven classes to finish after this month. I have always wanted to further my education and didn't have the opportunity to finish when I was younger. I want to learn and I know that without the deadlines I would find too many other things that need to get done and would put it off. (Note to self: notice the procrastination theme...).

For the next eight days I need to focus on my classes...I need to finish this for me. I don't want to give up. I want to continue to move forward...to where...I am not quite sure yet. And then I want to take a few days with my family to just enjoy their company and nothing else...

so I will be back in about two weeks...

see you then!

happiness...

The hubby and I have been formulating plans for our future...our Plan B future.

I've been reading old journals, looking at family photos and reading my old blog posts.

As I think about our future while looking at our past, one item stands out...

When the hubby and I were engaged, I would bring home tourism brochures from the travel agency I worked at. We would look through them and talk about all the places we could live. We were young and the whole world was available to us. The thought that we could live anywhere in the world was exciting. After looking for weeks at brochures for a reason that I do not know we settled on Prince Edward Island. It seemed perfect. We talked about it for weeks, months...but I had a mortgage and a good job and after we married, we stayed where we were.

Nine months into our marriage, I was given the opportunity to take a business trip to New Brunswick. The tourist board flew a number of us over and showed us why we should send our clients to New Brunswick. If I had been single without a mortgage, I would not have returned home. I loved it. Each place I went I fell more and more in love. I remember the last night of the trip standing outside the Algonquin hotel in St. Andrews by the Sea. It was very late at night and tears were running down my cheeks and for the first time in years, I felt like I was home. I missed my new hubby but I did not want to leave. I spent an hour on the phone with him trying to convince him to drop everything and meet me there. We could open a BandB or something, right? We could make it work. I loved the few days I spent in New Brunswick and talked of it often over the next decade.

When my hubby mentioned graduate school in Nova Scotia...I jumped at the chance!

FINALLY...I would get to live in the maritimes.

 We spent two years there and as I look back at our pictures at the smiling faces of my children playing on the beach I realize that (aside from the long commute that my hubby had) we were happiest there.

 We loved the ocean, the day trips, the museums, the galleries, the history, the architecture, the slow-paced lifestyle.

 The maritimes suit us.

The past few weeks we have spent hours discussing and more hours pondering and praying about what we should do. Looking at our photos...of the house we lived in (that is owned by my mother-in-law and rented out) and available to us...it did not take us too long to decide where we should be.

Plans are in the works for a more permanent summer move to Nova Scotia...we feel relief, peace and happiness...no more lobsterless summers for us!

Old dreams...

Another week-end spent in our "new" house in Vancouver. We brought down a load of boxes (mainly heavy books). We are hoping to move down enough to leave us with a small uhaul trailer load for our final move next month. It is amazing how much we have accumulated over the past year.

I find that this summer I am looking forward to so many things...

I am finally getting a new computer! This one is so close to death...the screen has been slowly disappearing this year and trying to choose photos (or read words) when I can only see three quarters of a screen is sometimes quite challenging. I am also hoping (crossing fingers with eyes closed tight) that I can get a new camera this year. My little fuji point and shoot is not working for me...I have been trying to take more close ups and it does not want to focus, not on the macro setting or the manual setting and I have tried everything. It is getting to be almost impossible to get the clear shot that I want...and I keep mising all the kids smiles with the superfast speed of 1 photo per 5 seconds that I have been getting....ugh! Yes, a little frustrated with technology (or lack of it around here) lately. Soon...

I also have been surprised by how at home I feel in Vancouver. I have been wanting a farm for so long that I have forgotten how much I used to love going into the city.

A (very) brief look into my past...

I grew up just outside of White Rock on a small hobby farm...about an hour's bus ride from Vancouver. I hated the farm. I loved the city. Then my family moved to the Okanagan three weeks before my 15th birthday...to a larger hobby farm...about an eight hour bus ride from the city. I REALLY hated the farm, and I not so patiently awaited my eighteenth birthday so I could leave the country and head to the city. I dreamed of travelling, a corner office, a penthouse suite, power suits. But...that didn't happen. I had no money to move and other opportunities came my way. I became a travel agent hoping to travel and I did a bit. I thought that I had lots of time for the city, the penthouse, the corner office, the power suits...I had plans. But, then I unexpectedly fell in love and plans changed. I got married, kids came and what I wanted or thought I wanted began to change as well. Eventually, I forgot all about the penthouse suite, the travelling, the power suits, the corner office.

I love being a wife and mother. I love that I have had the opportunity to stay at home with my kids. I feel so grateful that I haven't had to put my kids in daycare. I have loved homeschooling the kids and having them home with me.

But...

I find the more I go to Vancouver, the more I remember...and it is a little bit scary.  I am finding that I love both the country and the city. My wants are currently a little confused.

 I love UBC. I love that my hubby is going to Architecture school. I love that the kids and I will have so much to explore and discover.

 My eleven year old has decided that she doesn't want to do homeschool this year, she wants to go back to "regular" school (which she did for her first six years of school). I have agreed (being home all day with three brothers has sometimes been a challenge for her and I understand her wish to be with other kids her age). The boys still want to homeschool. I have agreed to this as well. I think we will have so much fun this year and it actually may be a little easier to find things to do that everyone will enjoy with just the boys at home. However, I am a little sad and will miss my girl at home with me and a little nervous for my girl who has spent VERY little time in a city or with city kids and because I know how difficult it can be living on student wages (nonexistent) in an area where many of the kids live in some of the most expensive real estate in the country; especially as she approaches high school and is new and wants to fit in. I also worry a little about the wanting to fit in bit.  But, I guess that is all part of being a parent.

Aside from worrying about my children's schooling I have been worrying about my own. As usual I am getting a little behind this semester (I always seem to be doing something major while doing classes). Moving is a recurring theme. And to top it off I am re-evaluating everything...

asking myself what is it that I REALLY want. Where do I want to be in five years...ten? Going into the city has really brought up a lot of old stuff for me. And as wife of a future architect (one who is really getting excited about all the possibilities in front of him) I am realizing that the farm dream may not be compatible with the architect dream. It is still a possibility for the future but probably not while the kids are still at home.

 So...this summer I am re-evaluating, making major changes and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to be...

oh and I am taking a bit of time to make some strawberry ice cream because I haven't forgotten about the important stuff!

poetry and moving forward

While I enjoy reading Keats, Shelley, Byron and Tennyson among others, I must admit that my favourite poet is not so celebrated or sophisticated. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved reading the poetry of Shel Silverstein and now that I am a mother I have really enjoyed sharing that love with my children. I love sitting with my kids reading poem after poem as they ask for more. Yesterday I was really happy while we were waiting in the car and my oldest son sat and read from "A Light in the Attic" to his brothers. Listening to the laughter from the back seat was one of my happier moments as a mother.

"Where the Sidewalk Ends" was always a favourite of mine and I checked it out from the library regularly as a kid. One of my favourite poems is in this book and as I reread it yesterday I thought that it really summed up how I have been feeling over the past few years. I fully believed it as a child but then for awhile I became a little too serious and lost that belief. Over the past few years I have been working on regaining some of the beliefs and attitudes I had as a child. Today I thought I would share this poem with you.

It is called "Listen to the Mustn'ts"

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Isn't that great...I really hope that my children can keep this belief as they grow up. ANYTHING can be - I really believe that it can and I've noticed that the more I embrace this belief the more I am shown that it is true. I think as I became an adult I assumed that if anything could be it meant that it would be easy. When things didn't come easy I thought they wouldn't come at all and so I settled for a life that didn't excite me or make me really happy. Now I know that work is involved and creating a life that I love takes action and that doing things differently can be difficult. But-it is SO worth it.

I always keep in mind what I read in a grad write up once (I can't remember who said it) "Live the life you will have wished you had lived when you are dying". When my husband was considering going back to school someone said to him..."the years are going to go by anyway. In ten years time you can be where you are now or you could be an architect...where would you rather be?"
Which has led us to our current belief of always moving forward. Picture what you want and move towards it...you'll get there eventually and it will be so much better than where you are now.

stepping forward

This month I am trying something new.

My three oldest kids are taking skiing lessons and I have decided to join them.

Until now I have never learned to ski and I have lived near ski hills most of my life.

I have been trying to overcome a bad habit of mine.

As long as I can remember if I haven't been able to do something well I have not wanted to do it. Hence, I have never participated in sports (other than in school when I had to or else take an F in P.E. which was unacceptable to me). Until recently I never did anything artistic. In fact I didn't do much of anything.

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know how to ride a bike.

I don't know how to play a musical instrument.

I don't know how to ski.

I don't know how to sing.

I don't know how to skate.

When I was in grade one my class went ice skating. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on the ice and do a sit spin and of course I couldn't wait to wear one of those really cute little skating costumes with the little twirly skirt...which of course I did not get to wear and when I stepped onto the ice for the first time... I immediately fell. I was mortified. Particularly when my teacher brought me a little cage to hold onto so I could at least stand. That was the moment I realized how inadequate I was. That was when I realized that I could not do everything I thought I could. I never skated again.

Yes, this has been one of my greatest weaknesses. And I do realize how ridiculous it sounds. But, I have always had a strong desire to be perfect...to live a perfect life. For a long time I tried to avoid living the life I wanted because I knew that the reality would not live up to my expectations. Instead I ended up living a life that was pretty boring. I did do some things, but I was generally not satisfied with the outcomes and I was still too afraid to try anything that required skill. I learned how to cook out of necessity when I got married and I discovered that I was pretty good at it. So, I continued to practice and got annoyed with myself whenever things didn't turn out perfectly.

Around the time I turned thirty I decided that I needed to change. There were so many things that I would have liked to have done in my youth that I didn't do. I did not want to waste my life. So I started to do things. I took a few painting classes and discovered that I really enjoyed painting and was so happy when my paintings were recognizable. They actually looked like something...people actually hung them on their walls!!! I was a little embarrassed still as I could notice all the mistakes, but they were better than I thought they would be.

I went back to school. I no longer felt like a failure to still be in school when I was over thirty. ( I always thought I'd have a PhD by then). I am taking longer than the average student. But I love it.

I few years ago I finally realized that I didn't need perfection. I could be happy with progress. Improvement was something to be proud of. I didn't need to be top of the class (or somewhere just slightly above average which previously was okay with me as long as I hadn't put in any effort. Above average with no effort was just as okay as perfection with little effort).

I no longer wanted to be content with who I was. I wanted to be happy about the person I was becoming.

And so this week as I conquered the kiddie run up at the ski hill I was almost giddy with happiness...

Happy because I was finally learning to ski and that I had learned to snow plow and because on my first attempt I fell but I got up and tried again and by the end of the day I had figured out how to stay standing, moving and even turning and I was excited about my progress!

Externally as well as internally.

I am so happy that I have figured out that the way to true happiness and finding joy is to keep moving forward...

even if I am only taking baby steps.