happiness...

The hubby and I have been formulating plans for our future...our Plan B future.

I've been reading old journals, looking at family photos and reading my old blog posts.

As I think about our future while looking at our past, one item stands out...

When the hubby and I were engaged, I would bring home tourism brochures from the travel agency I worked at. We would look through them and talk about all the places we could live. We were young and the whole world was available to us. The thought that we could live anywhere in the world was exciting. After looking for weeks at brochures for a reason that I do not know we settled on Prince Edward Island. It seemed perfect. We talked about it for weeks, months...but I had a mortgage and a good job and after we married, we stayed where we were.

Nine months into our marriage, I was given the opportunity to take a business trip to New Brunswick. The tourist board flew a number of us over and showed us why we should send our clients to New Brunswick. If I had been single without a mortgage, I would not have returned home. I loved it. Each place I went I fell more and more in love. I remember the last night of the trip standing outside the Algonquin hotel in St. Andrews by the Sea. It was very late at night and tears were running down my cheeks and for the first time in years, I felt like I was home. I missed my new hubby but I did not want to leave. I spent an hour on the phone with him trying to convince him to drop everything and meet me there. We could open a BandB or something, right? We could make it work. I loved the few days I spent in New Brunswick and talked of it often over the next decade.

When my hubby mentioned graduate school in Nova Scotia...I jumped at the chance!

FINALLY...I would get to live in the maritimes.

 We spent two years there and as I look back at our pictures at the smiling faces of my children playing on the beach I realize that (aside from the long commute that my hubby had) we were happiest there.

 We loved the ocean, the day trips, the museums, the galleries, the history, the architecture, the slow-paced lifestyle.

 The maritimes suit us.

The past few weeks we have spent hours discussing and more hours pondering and praying about what we should do. Looking at our photos...of the house we lived in (that is owned by my mother-in-law and rented out) and available to us...it did not take us too long to decide where we should be.

Plans are in the works for a more permanent summer move to Nova Scotia...we feel relief, peace and happiness...no more lobsterless summers for us!

Old dreams...

Another week-end spent in our "new" house in Vancouver. We brought down a load of boxes (mainly heavy books). We are hoping to move down enough to leave us with a small uhaul trailer load for our final move next month. It is amazing how much we have accumulated over the past year.

I find that this summer I am looking forward to so many things...

I am finally getting a new computer! This one is so close to death...the screen has been slowly disappearing this year and trying to choose photos (or read words) when I can only see three quarters of a screen is sometimes quite challenging. I am also hoping (crossing fingers with eyes closed tight) that I can get a new camera this year. My little fuji point and shoot is not working for me...I have been trying to take more close ups and it does not want to focus, not on the macro setting or the manual setting and I have tried everything. It is getting to be almost impossible to get the clear shot that I want...and I keep mising all the kids smiles with the superfast speed of 1 photo per 5 seconds that I have been getting....ugh! Yes, a little frustrated with technology (or lack of it around here) lately. Soon...

I also have been surprised by how at home I feel in Vancouver. I have been wanting a farm for so long that I have forgotten how much I used to love going into the city.

A (very) brief look into my past...

I grew up just outside of White Rock on a small hobby farm...about an hour's bus ride from Vancouver. I hated the farm. I loved the city. Then my family moved to the Okanagan three weeks before my 15th birthday...to a larger hobby farm...about an eight hour bus ride from the city. I REALLY hated the farm, and I not so patiently awaited my eighteenth birthday so I could leave the country and head to the city. I dreamed of travelling, a corner office, a penthouse suite, power suits. But...that didn't happen. I had no money to move and other opportunities came my way. I became a travel agent hoping to travel and I did a bit. I thought that I had lots of time for the city, the penthouse, the corner office, the power suits...I had plans. But, then I unexpectedly fell in love and plans changed. I got married, kids came and what I wanted or thought I wanted began to change as well. Eventually, I forgot all about the penthouse suite, the travelling, the power suits, the corner office.

I love being a wife and mother. I love that I have had the opportunity to stay at home with my kids. I feel so grateful that I haven't had to put my kids in daycare. I have loved homeschooling the kids and having them home with me.

But...

I find the more I go to Vancouver, the more I remember...and it is a little bit scary.  I am finding that I love both the country and the city. My wants are currently a little confused.

 I love UBC. I love that my hubby is going to Architecture school. I love that the kids and I will have so much to explore and discover.

 My eleven year old has decided that she doesn't want to do homeschool this year, she wants to go back to "regular" school (which she did for her first six years of school). I have agreed (being home all day with three brothers has sometimes been a challenge for her and I understand her wish to be with other kids her age). The boys still want to homeschool. I have agreed to this as well. I think we will have so much fun this year and it actually may be a little easier to find things to do that everyone will enjoy with just the boys at home. However, I am a little sad and will miss my girl at home with me and a little nervous for my girl who has spent VERY little time in a city or with city kids and because I know how difficult it can be living on student wages (nonexistent) in an area where many of the kids live in some of the most expensive real estate in the country; especially as she approaches high school and is new and wants to fit in. I also worry a little about the wanting to fit in bit.  But, I guess that is all part of being a parent.

Aside from worrying about my children's schooling I have been worrying about my own. As usual I am getting a little behind this semester (I always seem to be doing something major while doing classes). Moving is a recurring theme. And to top it off I am re-evaluating everything...

asking myself what is it that I REALLY want. Where do I want to be in five years...ten? Going into the city has really brought up a lot of old stuff for me. And as wife of a future architect (one who is really getting excited about all the possibilities in front of him) I am realizing that the farm dream may not be compatible with the architect dream. It is still a possibility for the future but probably not while the kids are still at home.

 So...this summer I am re-evaluating, making major changes and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to be...

oh and I am taking a bit of time to make some strawberry ice cream because I haven't forgotten about the important stuff!

poetry and moving forward

While I enjoy reading Keats, Shelley, Byron and Tennyson among others, I must admit that my favourite poet is not so celebrated or sophisticated. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved reading the poetry of Shel Silverstein and now that I am a mother I have really enjoyed sharing that love with my children. I love sitting with my kids reading poem after poem as they ask for more. Yesterday I was really happy while we were waiting in the car and my oldest son sat and read from "A Light in the Attic" to his brothers. Listening to the laughter from the back seat was one of my happier moments as a mother.

"Where the Sidewalk Ends" was always a favourite of mine and I checked it out from the library regularly as a kid. One of my favourite poems is in this book and as I reread it yesterday I thought that it really summed up how I have been feeling over the past few years. I fully believed it as a child but then for awhile I became a little too serious and lost that belief. Over the past few years I have been working on regaining some of the beliefs and attitudes I had as a child. Today I thought I would share this poem with you.

It is called "Listen to the Mustn'ts"

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Isn't that great...I really hope that my children can keep this belief as they grow up. ANYTHING can be - I really believe that it can and I've noticed that the more I embrace this belief the more I am shown that it is true. I think as I became an adult I assumed that if anything could be it meant that it would be easy. When things didn't come easy I thought they wouldn't come at all and so I settled for a life that didn't excite me or make me really happy. Now I know that work is involved and creating a life that I love takes action and that doing things differently can be difficult. But-it is SO worth it.

I always keep in mind what I read in a grad write up once (I can't remember who said it) "Live the life you will have wished you had lived when you are dying". When my husband was considering going back to school someone said to him..."the years are going to go by anyway. In ten years time you can be where you are now or you could be an architect...where would you rather be?"
Which has led us to our current belief of always moving forward. Picture what you want and move towards it...you'll get there eventually and it will be so much better than where you are now.

Finding my Passion...

Last month  I mentioned I was reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. One quote that she includes in her book is something I have been thinking about for a number of years and has been on my mind this week.

It is simply this:

"I can DO ANYTHING I want, but I can't DO EVERYTHING I want".

I agree completely.

As I have mentioned previously, my husband has always wanted to be an Architect; he has worked really hard over the past seven years and has completed his BFA and MFA and will be starting his MArch degree in August. He has been focused and driven and aside from family time, he hasn't had time to really do anything else. I think fulfilling dreams are like that...they require a lot of time and effort, but if it is something you love doing the work is very rewarding.

 I have been working on my BA for five years majoring in both History and English. But, I am undecided about what I want to do with it. Unlike my hubby, I have not had just one thing that I have always wanted to do. (Sometimes I really wish I did; decision-making would be SO much easier!) I couldn't even pick one major! I love many things and have bits and pieces of many hobbies that I wish I had more time for. I think it is finally sinking in that I do not have time to do all of them really well. I think all of us, at some point have to ask ourselves this: do I want to be mediocre at a lot of things or do I want to be really good at one or two? Personally, I don't like mediocre. I like doing a lot of things but when I don't have time to learn to do them well I get frustrated. I really want to narrow down my passions to just a couple and then take the time to do them well. I have known this for years, but I haven't been able to narrow them down.

Over the past year (or two) I have been really thinking about what I am the most passionate about. What is it that I want to do with my life. I don't want to wait until my kids leave home to decide what I want to be when I grow up...I know that whatever I choose to do, if I work hard I will be successful.

I like to write, I keep a daily journal and have dozens of notebooks full of things I jot down...but, nothing very polished ( I am working on this. The English portion of my degree began as a love of literature and I have taken a number of literature classes. But, during the second half of my degree I am trying to cram in all the creative writing classes I can. While I have always known that I LOVE to read, I didn't realize until a year or so ago how much I love to write, even though it is something I have always done).

I am also finding that I really love taking pictures (although I am not very good at it yet...a few days ago I went into the local camera shop and oggled the canon 7D for a while...but for now I do not have the $$$ and I think I need to finish paying for my degree first). I also really love to cook and if I were fifteen years younger and did not have four kids I would love to be a chef; however, I do not want to be a chef at my age and with a family...but, I really do want to learn to be a great cook...cooking school is something that is very appealing to me.

As of now my priorities are this...my family: spending time with my kids while they are still at home and still want to spend time with me...supporting my husband in fulfilling his dream and trying to find time for us to spend together...and finishing my degree (which I hope to complete by early 2013...yes it is taking me a very long time, mostly due to priority number one). I have been trying to master my little point and shoot camera...and I do have that beautiful 7D on my wish list...I practice my cooking as much as I can and cook something from scratch nearly every day (Last night it was pizza... I made the crust and the sauce as always, but I would really love to add making the cheese...maybe next pay day I will order some rennet...)and the past two mornings I have been working on a blackberries and cream scone recipe ( I found some really nice frozen berries). Not quite ready to share yet...maybe when the fresh berries come in...

I think over the past few months I have narrowed my "really want to do" list to three things:
1. writing
2. photography
3. food ( although I am also really interested in agriculture, the family farm and self sufficiency...which is kind of number 4).

I know, that is four things not one or two. But, that is as narrow as I can go for now...I keep thinking that maybe I can find a way to make them all work together...do you think so?

dreaming of spring...

This morning I awoke dreaming of spring...

The sun was shining, the trees were in full blossom...

But as I fully awoke and came to my senses I knew that out my bedroom window I would not see signs of spring...

Out my bedroom window it is still very much winter.

In my little corner of beautiful British Columbia winter has decided to camp out...long term. But, as I look out at this image...

just for today, I am going to imagine that I see this instead...

Every once in a while I need a little sunshine...even if it is only in my imagination.

I hope your day is filled with sunshine and blossoms!

A Family Farm

I love farms.

Small farms.

family farms.

self-sufficient farms.

We have visited many.

I grew up on a few.

I want one.

I want to be self-reliant.

I want to buy some land and start my own family farm.

I am thinking of ways to make it happen...

before my children all leave home.

I am impatient.



stepping forward

This month I am trying something new.

My three oldest kids are taking skiing lessons and I have decided to join them.

Until now I have never learned to ski and I have lived near ski hills most of my life.

I have been trying to overcome a bad habit of mine.

As long as I can remember if I haven't been able to do something well I have not wanted to do it. Hence, I have never participated in sports (other than in school when I had to or else take an F in P.E. which was unacceptable to me). Until recently I never did anything artistic. In fact I didn't do much of anything.

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know how to ride a bike.

I don't know how to play a musical instrument.

I don't know how to ski.

I don't know how to sing.

I don't know how to skate.

When I was in grade one my class went ice skating. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on the ice and do a sit spin and of course I couldn't wait to wear one of those really cute little skating costumes with the little twirly skirt...which of course I did not get to wear and when I stepped onto the ice for the first time... I immediately fell. I was mortified. Particularly when my teacher brought me a little cage to hold onto so I could at least stand. That was the moment I realized how inadequate I was. That was when I realized that I could not do everything I thought I could. I never skated again.

Yes, this has been one of my greatest weaknesses. And I do realize how ridiculous it sounds. But, I have always had a strong desire to be perfect...to live a perfect life. For a long time I tried to avoid living the life I wanted because I knew that the reality would not live up to my expectations. Instead I ended up living a life that was pretty boring. I did do some things, but I was generally not satisfied with the outcomes and I was still too afraid to try anything that required skill. I learned how to cook out of necessity when I got married and I discovered that I was pretty good at it. So, I continued to practice and got annoyed with myself whenever things didn't turn out perfectly.

Around the time I turned thirty I decided that I needed to change. There were so many things that I would have liked to have done in my youth that I didn't do. I did not want to waste my life. So I started to do things. I took a few painting classes and discovered that I really enjoyed painting and was so happy when my paintings were recognizable. They actually looked like something...people actually hung them on their walls!!! I was a little embarrassed still as I could notice all the mistakes, but they were better than I thought they would be.

I went back to school. I no longer felt like a failure to still be in school when I was over thirty. ( I always thought I'd have a PhD by then). I am taking longer than the average student. But I love it.

I few years ago I finally realized that I didn't need perfection. I could be happy with progress. Improvement was something to be proud of. I didn't need to be top of the class (or somewhere just slightly above average which previously was okay with me as long as I hadn't put in any effort. Above average with no effort was just as okay as perfection with little effort).

I no longer wanted to be content with who I was. I wanted to be happy about the person I was becoming.

And so this week as I conquered the kiddie run up at the ski hill I was almost giddy with happiness...

Happy because I was finally learning to ski and that I had learned to snow plow and because on my first attempt I fell but I got up and tried again and by the end of the day I had figured out how to stay standing, moving and even turning and I was excited about my progress!

Externally as well as internally.

I am so happy that I have figured out that the way to true happiness and finding joy is to keep moving forward...

even if I am only taking baby steps.

following my own path

Can you believe it is almost two weeks into the New Year?

I've been thinking a lot this year (so far) about where I want to go and what I want to do.

I think it is important to keep re-evaluating to make sure that the path I am on is heading in the direction that I want to go.

I really want to keep learning and going forward. I read a quote once (unfortunately I can't remember who said it) that went something like this...if we keep doing what we have always done we'll keep getting what we have always gotten. Something like that anyway. If I want to see new results I have to keep trying to do new things.

I am really excited about all the possibilities and opportunities this year holds for me and my family.

Over the past decade, most years I have had no idea where I would be at the end of the year which I think is kind of odd for somebody my age. The excitement and wonder of discovery is something that is often experienced during the late teens and early twenties.


I bought my first house just after my 22nd birthday and worked for most of my twenties at a good job with benefits. I didn't explore much...I focused on "responsibility". It's not that I am not responsible now; in fact, I am sure that I am much more responsible and cautious on a day to day basis than I used to be. But, I am much more open to experiences and trying new things. I am less afraid to try and less embarrassed by failure.

 I want to live my life...not a life that others have imagined for me. My life may not be conventional in many ways but I am enjoying the adventure. Although it may look at times like I am failing at what I am attempting to do I do experience more successes than failures and I know if I continue on my path I will arrive at the destination that I have envisioned.

 I agree with Thomas Edison. "Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up". I think that this is an important quote to remember. Keep going....success may be just around the corner.

Building castles and planning foundations

We spent an afternoon at the local bird sanctuary one day (when the sun was actually shining!) and I was so happy to see so many beautiful blooms...

I came across a great quote today that I wanted to write down somewhere where I would be able to find it again...I thought this would be a good place:

"I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be. Create inspiring, noble, and righteous goals that fire your imagination and create excitement in your heart and then keep your eye on them. Work consistently towards achieving them."
 ~Joseph B. Wirthlin

I really love that. My mind has been in this place for awhile (well, in the moments I am not thinking about homework).

My daughter had her first sleepover this past week-end and when I mentioned to her and her friend that I had to go and do some homework the friend looked at me like I was crazy and said "aren't you a little old for homework?" Well...yes, I guess you could say that I am, especially to a couple of ten year olds. But, I am learning so much and I have always wanted a degree. I think that it is so important to constantly be moving forwards towards your goals even if you risk looking ridiculous to others.

I recently read the book Walden by Henry David Thoreau, which I really enjoyed. So often I have heard the quote "go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you have imagined". But, that is only a part of it; the full quote was so much better!

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them." ~ Henry David Thoreau 1854

I think that is my all time favourite quote. I wish I had heard the full quote a long time ago; I think it is so much more powerful. Dream big and then get to work to build those foundations. That is what I am doing right now, dreaming big and planning out those foundations....