Confucius and my lack of perfection...

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius

When I started writing this blog I wanted to keep a journal of my life moving forward. I wanted a way to mark our family's progress so that when I looked back I would be able to see how far we had travelled - that each small step we took brought us to a more perfect future. I was hoping that with each decision we made we would be able to see a direct upward moving line.

That obviously hasn't happened. My life - as I suppose all life - has moved forward and backward, right and left (or east and west in my case) and has curved in all sorts of directions. I sometimes feel like I'm not moving forward at all and I get frustrated.

But, when I look back  I am reminded of how much we have learned over the past five years. Life has been very difficult at times and even though we've been working very hard we've not seen the results that I thought we would. We are not yet where I thought we would be. What I do see is growth and lots of room for improvement and that is a good thing.

This quote reminds me that even when progress is not speeding along as quickly as I would like it to - it is still there and that is what matters. It is important to relax a little and enjoy the journey - not to expect perfection so quickly because it may not arrive at all in my lifetime. I have to remind myself that a lack of perfection is no reason to give up but is an excellent reason to keep moving forward one tiny step at a time.

Patience and Perfection

I am always amazed at how much I learn from my kids. I think the first thing they taught me is how to have patience...a lesson I apparently keep needing to learn!

My kids have improved my patience in so many ways. The best way that I have learned the benefits of patience is by watching my second son.

He has always been the type of kid who watches and studies. He is not afraid to practice and practice and practice something until he gets it right. Most of my kids (like their parents) tend to get frustrated when something isn't perfect the first time they try it. Often, if something doesn't come naturally or easily, quitting seems like the easiest and most desirable option. No use embarrassing yourself when you don't need to...I have been struggling with this tendency my whole life. I want everything to be perfect and if I can't do it perfectly I don't do it or else I only give it a half effort so if I fail I can tell myself that I didn't really try so the failure doesn't really count...which of course it does.

I realize that this is a terrible attitude and I have really been working on changing this over the past twenty years or so...

 and I have made huge improvements. Every year, I get a little better. Watching my second son has really helped. I see that the more he practices the better he gets. I notice that when he is determined he eventually succeeds. He is not afraid to fail many times before getting it right and he seems to know instinctively that he will get it eventually. This year he has learned to whistle, snap his fingers...

and stand on his head. He has almost perfected the splits as well.

I am always amazed by his perseverance. I am so grateful for all the lessons I have learned from my kids and for this guy who shows me almost daily that it is okay to fail because that is the only way that I will ever come close to perfection.

baking day

Yesterday was a busy school day, the kids were working hard and decided they wanted some cinnamon buns for a break and so I happily pulled out the ingredients and got to work.

I love baking. (I know I have said this before, but I really do).

 One of the many things I would like to be is a baker. (This is why I am still trying to figure out what I want to be...can I be 20 things at one time? I am trying to prioritize my wishes...)

I love the smell of yeast and watching the magic that occurs when bread rises.

I love that my kids always love helping me knead bread (see baking with kids post 30Mar2010 here).

But even more than making bread; I love making cinnamon buns.

I love the smells, the colours, rolling up the dough and watching them rise.

And when they finally come out of the oven...everyone gathers around waiting for the moment when they are just cool enough to touch...

And take that first perfect bite...they are definately one of my favourites.

What is so great about baking is that even if you are in a tiny cottage with a 5 x10 kitchen and an old stove...the cinnamon buns still taste just as good as if they had been made on a beautiful 9 foot marble island...

(did you see the island on the mimi Charmonte blog??? It's at kimberlytaylorimages.com go check it out...I love it!)

 Although I am sure they would be just a little more fun to make.

yes, I definately need a bigger kitchen...

failure and success

I have been thinking a lot this week about failure and my previous attitude towards it (see 25 Jan posting for some background).

This week I have finally realized that failure is necessary to experience success. I have intellectually known this for a long time but it is just sinking in.

Failure is the true path to success...without failing we can not succeed.

Simple.

Why it took so long for me to figure this out I will never know. So this year I am going to try and embrace failure because that is the only way I am going to improve and become better. And don't we all want to be better?

this is me enjoying one of my many failures...I am trying to conquer the bunnyhill!

I did make it down without falling and I did graduate from the kiddie run

to the bunny hill...so I am going to view this hill as part of my road to success instead of

evidence of my failure. Maybe next week I will learn how to turn...

stepping forward

This month I am trying something new.

My three oldest kids are taking skiing lessons and I have decided to join them.

Until now I have never learned to ski and I have lived near ski hills most of my life.

I have been trying to overcome a bad habit of mine.

As long as I can remember if I haven't been able to do something well I have not wanted to do it. Hence, I have never participated in sports (other than in school when I had to or else take an F in P.E. which was unacceptable to me). Until recently I never did anything artistic. In fact I didn't do much of anything.

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know how to ride a bike.

I don't know how to play a musical instrument.

I don't know how to ski.

I don't know how to sing.

I don't know how to skate.

When I was in grade one my class went ice skating. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on the ice and do a sit spin and of course I couldn't wait to wear one of those really cute little skating costumes with the little twirly skirt...which of course I did not get to wear and when I stepped onto the ice for the first time... I immediately fell. I was mortified. Particularly when my teacher brought me a little cage to hold onto so I could at least stand. That was the moment I realized how inadequate I was. That was when I realized that I could not do everything I thought I could. I never skated again.

Yes, this has been one of my greatest weaknesses. And I do realize how ridiculous it sounds. But, I have always had a strong desire to be perfect...to live a perfect life. For a long time I tried to avoid living the life I wanted because I knew that the reality would not live up to my expectations. Instead I ended up living a life that was pretty boring. I did do some things, but I was generally not satisfied with the outcomes and I was still too afraid to try anything that required skill. I learned how to cook out of necessity when I got married and I discovered that I was pretty good at it. So, I continued to practice and got annoyed with myself whenever things didn't turn out perfectly.

Around the time I turned thirty I decided that I needed to change. There were so many things that I would have liked to have done in my youth that I didn't do. I did not want to waste my life. So I started to do things. I took a few painting classes and discovered that I really enjoyed painting and was so happy when my paintings were recognizable. They actually looked like something...people actually hung them on their walls!!! I was a little embarrassed still as I could notice all the mistakes, but they were better than I thought they would be.

I went back to school. I no longer felt like a failure to still be in school when I was over thirty. ( I always thought I'd have a PhD by then). I am taking longer than the average student. But I love it.

I few years ago I finally realized that I didn't need perfection. I could be happy with progress. Improvement was something to be proud of. I didn't need to be top of the class (or somewhere just slightly above average which previously was okay with me as long as I hadn't put in any effort. Above average with no effort was just as okay as perfection with little effort).

I no longer wanted to be content with who I was. I wanted to be happy about the person I was becoming.

And so this week as I conquered the kiddie run up at the ski hill I was almost giddy with happiness...

Happy because I was finally learning to ski and that I had learned to snow plow and because on my first attempt I fell but I got up and tried again and by the end of the day I had figured out how to stay standing, moving and even turning and I was excited about my progress!

Externally as well as internally.

I am so happy that I have figured out that the way to true happiness and finding joy is to keep moving forward...

even if I am only taking baby steps.