Planning and still moving forward

Plans are progressing...

While it is grey and slushy and muddy now, I know that soon...very soon...I will wake up to beautiful green. I am always amazed at how leaves seem to burst out overnight. One day everything has that end of winter greyness and the next the world is green and full of new life. 

Late last fall after spending almost a year of "should we stay or should we go" I decided to apply for my B.Ed. in Nova Scotia.

I thought this would be the perfect plan. 

It would give us a concrete date to move by, it would (hopefully) give us a steady income and I still would have summers and holidays with my family. Perfect.

I filled out applications, wrote essays and asked a few kind-hearted souls to send in references for me (many thanks to you). I sent in money and transcripts and waited...very patiently-unusual for me. I immersed myself in holiday preparations and classes to finish my current degree. 

As the date of acceptance loomed closer I became worried...I didn't want to find out.

Every time I walked into a school I secretly hoped that I wouldn't be accepted. 

I received a phone call a few weeks earlier than expected - Congratulations!

I pretended to be happy. 

I knew that this would be good for my family. 

This was something I could do. 

The steady paycheck would be welcomed. 

The thought of spending everyday back in high school...

The thought of not being home on proD days and sick days and not greeting my kids as they arrived home from school with a fresh batch of cookies...

My blog was neglected. I couldn't think of anything to say.

I wasn't being true to who I am. I felt like a fraud.

There are SO many things I want to do with my life.

Teaching high school isn't one of them.

So - after much thought and discussion - I have declined the offer.  

A move thought crazy by some. WHY would you decline a perfectly good offer to prepare for a respectable career? WHY? What are you doing instead? How are you going to live? 

Well...I'm working on it and

 I'm moving to Nova Scotia this summer anyway.

I know many will say (and some probably already have) - who do you think you are? How irresponsible. 

I understand. I really do. I lived a lot of my life like that. Responsibility comes first. Jobs come first. It didn't matter how sick or unhappy I was... I had to do the responsible thing. I lived my life by shoulds and have tos. Often not even thinking about what I was good at or what my talents were or what I wanted to do. None of that mattered as long as I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. 

The older I get the more I realize that life isn't all about responsibilities. 

Life should be joyful. 

I believe that being true to who you are is the only way to find real joy.  

I am happy and feeling more like myself than I have in months. 

I know I have made the right choice.

I am so looking forward to our first visit to our favourite beach...we've missed it.

"I'm Getting Sick! Let Me Off!"

Life has been a little crazy in our house. I have been frantically trying to finish my degree and the end of February was a blur of last minute readings, essays and exams. I have been fighting a nasty cough for the past month and trying to organize a cross-country move. Big decisions are being made. There is a lot of information swirling around in my poor, aching head.

I told my daughter recently that I feel like a hamster caught in a wheel that won't stop spinning. Luckily for her, she didn't relate and didn't understand the analogy. So I switched and told her it was like being on a carnival ride where you feel like you are going to be sick but you can't get off. She understood that a little better and as I sat thinking "Yes - that is exactly what I feel like" a near forgotten memory popped into my head.

I was about twelve years old and was at a mayfair with my mom, sister and brother. My brother would have been about six. We all asked my mom if we could ride the "octopus" a black tentacled ride with spinning booths that went up and down as they spun in a circle. My mom bought the tickets and we climbed on. Why I wanted to get on a spinning ride with my brother who was well known for his motion sickness I do not know.

As the ride began to rise and started to spin my brother (who at one time earned the enviable nickname of pukey) said he felt sick. By the time we arrived at the top of the circle he was yelling - "I'm getting sick! Let me off!" Surprisingly, the man operating the ride slowly lowered us to the ground and let us off. My brother miraculously did not get sick. He knew what he wanted, he let it be known, and he was able to get off the ride.

After this vivid memory played in my head, I realized the obvious. I can get off. I don't need to feel sick. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. I can take control of my own life.

While I realize that changing direction in life isn't always so easy - it is possible.

With one semester left I changed my major from a double major in english and history to a major in English and a minor in history allowing me to drop two classes from my schedule. For me the sacrifices I was making weren't worth the outcomes. I started to really look closely at the choices I was making and what I wanted out of life.

I want to live my life. Mine. Not somebody else's, not someone else's idea of what my life should be like or even what I think my life should look like. The past few weeks I have been spending time thinking about what I want my life to look like and I am confident that I will be able to get there. All I had to do was get off the ride, step back, take a few deep breaths and look around.

Life is good.

Be Yourself

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." 
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

November Comfort.

Last week I celebrated my favourite November tradition.

In November, Christmas arrives a little early to our kitchen...

Every year as I am stocking my cupboards with jars filled with the bounty of the local harvest - I stop -and for a change of pace print out the current seasons nuts and dried fruit order from Rancho Vignola. 

I love them. They only sell wholesale and have a short window for ordering - just a few weeks in September as the new crops are being harvested. After I make my dream list and then cut it down to my really want list and then to my almost there list and finally to my what I can afford list I send it in and then wait...patiently... until delivery arrives in November. I LOVE Rancho Vignola day!

I love hauling the boxes into the kitchen and pulling out the large bags of nuts, seeds and dried fruits! I love filling jars and stocking my cupboards to bursting. I love the feeling of November. The freezers are full...the cupboards are full...Christmas baking will soon start with fruitcakes made from the freshest of nuts and dried fruits...

As soon as it arrives I conduct a little taste test. The kids try everything from Flax seeds and Hemp hearts...to Brazil nuts and Medjool dates. Some are loved by all and some appreciated by only a few...but we all love trying everything and picking our favourites. It's a mini November Thanksgiving in Canada (for those who don't know - and I know there are people who don't - up here in Canada most of the harvest comes early so we celebrate Thanksgiving in October).

Since I have been feeling so comforted knowing I have food for the winter, this week I decided to make my ultimate comfort food.

I chopped the onions, cabbage, celery, peppers, carrots, potatoes and dill (how I love the smell of fresh dill) and grated the beets and made my granny's borscht. 

As I stir the pot I tell my kids the story my granny used to tell of not being able to wait for the borscht when she was two and how she pulled the borscht pot down on herself. I tell them how when I was little I used to rub my finger along the scars on her neck that mingled with the wrinkles. Granny was already old when I was young...she was two in 1913.

 I think about granny's borscht frozen in old pickle jars in her freezer...(there was always borscht at granny's house). I think about my great grandmother and imagine her learning this recipe from her mother in Russia many, many years ago. I think about me as a small infant taking my first tastes of food from a bowl of borscht made with love and wonder how many generations of my family have tasted this borscht and how many of us found comfort and warmth. I think about my dad in a small restaurant in Grand Forks and the smile on his face as he tastes a bowl of borscht declaring it is just like his mom's. I wonder how many families share this recipe. I love sharing it with my children and listening to them ask for a bowl of "granny soup". I love that flavours can be transported across generations tying family together. I wonder how many more generations will find comfort in the flavours of granny's borscht...I lastly think with gratitude of my mother and silently thank her for patiently watching granny and writing down her recipe...life just wouldn't be the same without it.